A Chaotic Type Of Beautiful (UNDER EDITING)

Chapter 6- Paralyzed

*Trigger Warning!⚠️*

They're going to kill me. I try to open the front door quietly, but to much avail, it's an impossible action. As I slowly close the door behind me, I take off my boots and remove Will's jacket and scarf. Retracting the umbrella, I put his things in a small tote bag that I always keep in my rucksack. "Where were you?" My Dad walks in the hallway. He looks angry.

Gulping, I respond, hiding the tote bag behind my back. "I was studying."

"You're lying." My Dad's eyes darken. "You were with your friends weren't you? Having fun, while your mother worried sick."

"I don't have any friends! Besides, I'm sixteen - it's not like I was doing drugs, I was studying!" I snap. My Dad looks angry. He's definitely drunk, again. "Well, there won't be a next time. I'm taking away your books! Maybe, you won't act so stupid again! B*tch!" He shouts. It never gets easier. When he is drunk, it's really easy for him to get angry. Too easy. I don't even have to do anything to upset him.

But the thought of my father taking my books away from me almost broke me. They cared for me when he didn't. Through all my years of being bullied  and mostly friendless, they were there for me.

Storming up the stairs, my Dad went into my room. I don't have many books- I have to borrow them from the library, but instead of buying lunch, with the little money my parents give me, I buy studying materials and books. He grabbed all of my books in one arm. "No! Please don't take my books! PLEASE DON'T TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!" I go a little hysterical. "They're all I have!" My books were my only friends. They were my constant, whenever no else was there for me, my books were. They are probably the only reason I'm still alive.

I try to grab onto the books and pull them back, but my Dad yanks them backwards. I watch as a few of the pages go flying. The book that got ripped was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone by JK Rowling. I remember my childhood - which was pretty much re-reading the Harry Potter book series and praying that, like Harry, I'd get whisked away to a magical school, away from everything. My Dad looks at me "Look at what you've done."

Desperately, I hug the ripped pages as my Dad left the room. I read the small, bunched up, crinkled pages that I salvaged- I feel like crying. Reaching under my pillow, I find that I left my copy of The Catcher in the Rye there because I fell asleep reading it. At least I still have that.

Downstairs, I can hear the sound of the bin opening and something falling into it. Then, the bin closing. He threw them. He threw away my precious books. I choke on a sob.

Slowly, I fall to the floor. I only have two books now. Mrs.Dalloway and The Catcher in the Rye. None of the books that helped me through the nights when I couldn't sleep. I didn't have any of the fiction books that held characters who were my only friends. All of the books I read and re-read when I didn't want to stay awake. When I scarred myself. All of those broken dreams that I still held onto, suddenly shattered. They were all gone.

I curl into a ball and rock back and forth, tears streaming down my face. All gone. What's the point of continuing if I don't have them? I've lost the only thing that matters to me...

You can call me immature, but in this moment, I just want to be relieved of my pain. No matter what. I want to die. I think of all of the characters. All of the stories. I always fall asleep thinking of the books, except that I'm part of them. I want the things I can't have. It would always help me fall asleep, because no matter what, I'd always have a happy
ending.

Not anymore.

Slowly, I wipe my tears. I can barely breathe. Standing up, my legs shake. I rest my head against the wall and close my eyes.

I don't want to see the world anymore.

I don't have a single thing in this world. My parents, or at least my Dad doesn't love me. I don't have a single friend and I've lost the thing I love the most. I don't have a partner or anybody romantically. I have nothing. Not a single thing in this world cares about me. I gulp. Suddenly, I imagine Will's face if he realised I died. Would he be upset?

I choke down the thought and wallow in my self-pity. Never have I believed in a God of any sort, but right now, I wonder why they didn't just let me die at birth. Everyone would be happier then. Without me, the world would be a better place.

Subconsciously, I start scratching at my wrist. It's already red. I stop and sit on my bed. My tears have stopped falling but my heart still aches. Suddenly, I start scratching at my wrist again, harshly. I feel nothing.

Why do I feel so cold?

I feel as if I'm falling and falling into a chasm. I feel as if I'm drowning,
being dragged under the water by my demons. Why can't I breathe? I'm too far under the surface. I'm too deep. I'll never escape. I can see everyone, but I can't move. I can't scream.

I'm paralyzed. I watch life pass by. I can see everyone moving, which is torture when I can't. I'm stuck. I feel as if I know something bad is going to happen, but I can't stop it. I can't stop it.

I look back at my scars, they're slightly re-opened and a little bloody. Why can't I just die? It's not fair. I don't want to stay! I want to fly above the clouds, with feathered wings and to be free. I want to escape...

Shaking my head, I press the tissues to my wrists. I still have that project to do with Will, which I know should be the last of my concerns, but I won't let my Dad win. One of the only two books I have left, I haven't finished reading. I'll give it the three weeks. Then, after I've finished reading the book and given our presentation, I'll wait until Will will forget about me, consequently breaking me. Then he'll just become another scar. But that scar will be my last scar, for certain. I'm sure of it. I'll finally be free... I'll be gone for good.
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Hi! Sorry for the sad chapter... But keep in mind that it is a romance, thus there are ups and downs! Sorry for all who had to scroll down quickly, I tried with the best of my ability to describe how the protagonist would feel, but it may not be completely accurate... However, this is my first story, so I'm pleased with how it's turning out.

Please check out the song! I feel like it perfectly describes how my character's feelings and is personally, my favourite song. Thanks!

Feel free to vote and comment below! Thank you so much for reading my story, I really appreciate it! 💛

~CatlikeG