The Diary Of A Teenage Girl [COMPLETED]

14/01

"I can't do it anymore, Vivi, I can't. I can't keep pretending everything's fine." Vivi and I were walking towards the cafeteria for food.

"But I can't leave them. They're my friends too and they're definitely know somethings wrong if we don't sit with them."

I sighed and once again started to contemplate why on earth I'd told Aiden I like him. When I'd told him, I thought we might be dating by the time we got back to school. Clearly that didn't happen. Now we weren't even speaking at all even though everyday at lunch we were still sat next to each other.

"I still can't stand sitting next to him another day. Ugh, I wish he would just give me an answer already."

"I know, babe, he'll tell you eventually." She put her arm around me. "You don't want to rush it, though. He'll come to you when he's ready. You do what you want but I have to sit with them. I'll make up an excuse for you if you want, 'k?"

I nodded.

We got our food then parted ways. I'd kind of hoped she would've come with me so I wouldn't have to sit on my own and I contemplated sitting with Leiya but we hadn't talked since maths two days ago. It felt a bit weird to go sit with her now.

I headed for a table in the corner that nobody had sat on yet and put my tray of food down. I got my phone out and did a social media check while I eat.

A few moments later, I noticed a tray being put down next to me. I looked up, half expecting to be greeted by Leiya, confused why anyone else would be sitting next to me, but when I looked up my heart jumped into my throat.

There, smiling down at me, was Xander.

"Hey," he said. "Can I sit here?"

No, I thought, no you can't. Not now. Not ever. I didn't say that, though, instead I get gaped at him like a fish, blinking, trying to figure out if maybe I was just hallucinating. If the stress of the exams that had just passed and Aiden had gotten to me and was making me go crazy.

"I'll take that as a yes." He pulled the chair out and brushed past me as he went to sit in it. I edged my chair away from him, not comfortable being in such close proximity to him after everything that had happened.

"Look, Mei, I know things have been a bit weird since, you know, but, like, I miss you and I know it sounds cliché but I do. And I've been wanting to speak to you ever since I saw you at kayaking but there was never the right time. You were always with Vivi and Aiden but then I saw you here sitting on your own and, well," he shrugged. "Here I am."

"I told you, Xander." My voice was shaky but cold. "I told you. Once you let me go, you wouldn't be able to get you back."

"I know, I'm not asking for you back. I just want to be friends again." He stayed calm and confident despite the anger I was projecting on to him.

I wanted to scream at him, about how I'd also said I didn't want him in my life; how I still didn't want him in my life; how it still hurt me. I didn't, though. I stayed silent, ignoring him. I neither wanted to accept his friend request nor deny it. It was like when someone you didn't like tried to follow you. You never accepted but you didn't decline it either because it was rude. I was trying to do that now but it was harder in real life, a lot harder.

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"Hey hun," My mum said. "How was school?"

I ignored her and walked up to my room. I'd been in a bad mood since lunch when Xander had decided he wanted to be my friend and it had distracted me all day. It was hardly something I wanted to discuss with my mother. She thought it was a bad idea that I went out with him in the first place. I didn't need any 'I told you so' talk.

But then I heard her footsteps on the stairs and I knew now it was going to be so much worse.

"Hey," She said, standing in the doorway, her hand on one hip, her brown hair pulled up into a messy bun as per usual. "What's up? You usually speak a bit more before going into hiding."

"Don't want to talk about it." I said, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

She acknowledged what I said but didn't leave, instead she came and sat down next to me. Too many people were doing that today. Why couldn't I just be left alone when I wanted to be alone?

"Come on, you clearly need to speak to someone. I know we don't always have the best relationship because I know you think I'm strict but I wish we were close. Please, talk to me."

"If you think you're strict, why don't you stop being strict?" I asked, wanting to change the subject but also interested in what she'd say. She'd never explained to me why she had her rules, she just had them and I had to follow them but Vivi's parents were so different. All the parents I knew where different. Xander's parents were probably the most similar but they seemed to trust him more than my mum trusted me and my dad seemed to trust me even less.

"I just want you to do well." Her explanation was valid but not detailed. I wasn't going to accept that answer anymore.

"Every parent wants their child to do well." I looked her in the eye as I spoke. If she wanted us to have a relationship, I needed to know.

"I guess I feel like I need to make sure I'm doing everything I can to help you succeed. I want to give you support so I guess it seems like I'm coming down hard on you but I'm just trying to help you."

"I just wish that you could just trust me to be able to get on with it myself." I didn't look at her this time. I was finally telling her how I felt.

"I tried but then after your mocks. It was hard."

I looked back and she was right. I was scared after my mocks. I was too relaxed and didn't work hard enough. I may not have done badly but I didn't do as well as I could have. I knew my mum liked to feel in control of things, I was the same.

"Do you think you could try and trust me again?" I asked, looking up at her through my lashes.

"Do you think you can trust me?" She responded.

"I can can try." She smiled at me.

"I can try too."

I smiled as well and nodded.