Pieces [Wattpad's Editor's Choice]

28: iT's iN mY bLoOd

I dumped sugar into the saucepan, already filled with cream and milk. Maybe adding a deadly amount of sugar to the mix would add a little bit of sweetness to my life.

I stirred hastily, splashing the mixture on my cheeks and gray t-shirt. What was the point of aprons when collars and sleeves still showed? This purple one did nothing for me.

Several hours passed. Maybe one, who knew? The only light I kept on was our desk lamp so I wouldn't wake Luna.

'Mirage' by Elina thrummed through my earphones, the volume all the way up.

"See I'm a bit unstable, twenty drinks a night to hide that I can't stand...not having you."

The python of lyrics squeezed my heart until it bled.

I was used to suppressing my emotions. I was forced to when Phil left. Mom and Dad thought it was pathetic to become emotional over someone who didn't give a crap about you. That person would never feel it, never see it. It was, to them, wasted energy and tears and valuable minutes of your life that could be spent elsewhere.

I never understood it, but I listened. I listened because Phil never did. So I stayed up in my room and studied bugs I collected after school in the bushes behind out house. It was easier to learn the science of creatures that held no emotion than face my own.

But I saw how it affected Mom. It shattered her. She was always awake when she should've been sleeping, crying over the loss of one of her children who left by choice when he should've needed her most. She kept our family photos up. She still added Mystery books to his bookshelf. She often reminded me of the time Phil walked me to school when I got bullied on the bus, or when he spent his entire Homecoming weekend helping me plant over fifty spider plants that time I was obsessed with Botany. Because he wasn't always selfish.

But Mom blamed herself-a lot.

Maybe I shouldn't have let Phil watch that series about drug lords.

Maybe I gave Phil too much freedom.

Maybe I shouldn't have let Phil drive to meet his friends when he got his permit.

Maybe I shouldn't have encouraged you both to be chemistry majors, like me.

She warred with the maybe's a lot. No wonder where I got it from.

Watching Mom struggle affected me a lot. That's when I decided to do everything I could to not disappoint her. I couldn't break her heart anymore; I thought going above and beyond in life would make up for her lost memories with Phil. I wanted to show her she didn't fail as a mom. Phil dropped out at sixteen, so I showed her I could go to college at sixteen. But it wasn't all for her; I did love to know things. And I was smart. Not knowing why Phil did what he did ate at me to the point of sickness, so I had to know other things in life. The science behind behavior, relationships, the human body. Why do we do what we do? And after I learned enough psychology, I didn't need closure.

I didn't want to major in chemistry like Mom thought; it wasn't fun and Phil spent enough time in the basement creating chemical experiments that left him an angry or lethargic mess that I changed my mind. I was a chemistry geek because I learned a lot about it at that time, but I didn't want to pursue a career in it anymore. The gene of Creation still influenced me, though, and so I decided on Bioengineering.

Though in my time of picking up the pieces of our shattered family, I forgot to pause and be young. I had two friends in high school-their names don't matter now, but of course I lost contact with them when I left high school halfway through. One or two guys had mini-crushes on me freshman year, but I was afraid of what they would turn me into at only fifteen years of age if I encouraged their interest. Mom often told me Phil was influenced by the people he spent time with. If I'm being honest, I was afraid of being affected like Phil was. I thought I'd get caught up with the wrong crowd and end up like him. So I shot down friendships and relationships at all costs.