Am I really that hard to love?
I hate that I feel the need to measure my self-worth by how much I am loved, but the string of backstabbings, disappointments, and lies I've gone through led me down this path.
Am I really that worthless, that no one ever chooses to stay?
Lately, I've been trying to (unsuccessfully) save a relationship but that went nowhere. Now, I'm floating on limbo, desperate on what to do, what to say. I keep getting pushed away but I like this person too much to learn to stay away—which is very unlike me, might I add. And that fucking scares me—going out of my way to be with someone I care for, even when the person doesn't do the same. But this isn't what this is about.
What did I do wrong and what should I have done to fix it?
It's all I can think these days. The thought that I might've done something to mess it up or that I didn't do something that I was supposed to, weighs heavy on my shoulders.
Sometimes I have my moments of sanity and I see everything how it really is—none of this was on me, I did all I could, when I could—but in the moments of despair and borderline madness, I am the culprit and this is my punishment.
You see, in these moments of despair, that's when my issues with my self-worth arise because all I can think of is all the times someone else was chosen over me, or how I was replaced by someone. And what I conclude is, that in those situations, I was never good enough.
Never once did those people think of how I would feel once they left. Never once did they care of how I'd feel once I found out I was replaced. And over time, whenever something like this would happen, I'd blame myself. So now I hope you're starting to see where I am coming from.
Why do they always leave?
I've tried to tell myself that I only attract duchebags but they can't all be at fault, maybe I am the one at fault here. If you look at it from my point of view, they all left me. There must definitely be something wrong with me. Maybe it's my looks, or the way I talk or maybe I'm just too naïve and still believe that people will treat me the same way I treat them.
Regardless, my first question remains, must I be really that hard to love?
Love from Mars.
