ᗪOᑎ'T TOᑌᑕᕼ ᗰY ᗩᒪᑭᕼᗩ

Snap

Izuku Midoriya

(Angst)

(Self Deprecation) 

Life was a cruel mother fucker, and it didn't care to break you down over and over until you were left with nothing. I was nothing.

I tried, I really did, but it was too late to make any real change to my situation. Katsuki didn't know what my life was like before. He didn't care to find out either; that was clear now. More than anything, I just wanted to be happy again. I didn't ask for this -- it just happened. I didn't ask for a mate, and honestly, I wished Katsuki wasn't my mate.

A searing pain bubbled in my chest the moment the thought crossed my mind. I sat up in bed quickly and clutched my hand over my chest, clawing at the burning sensation that was lingering longer than I would have liked. Hot tears came rolling faster than I could have prepared for -- soaking into the corners of my lips. The salty taste startled me enough to make me wipe at my face and drag the back of my hand over my lips. Why was I crying?

Looking over at the mirror that hung above the vanity, mere feet from the bed I was perched on, I could barely recognize myself. Overwhelming shame filled my features, my eyes held no light and cast shadows under my eyes that only deepen the purple bags there. When did that happen?

Touching my face, I watched the figure in the mirror copy my movements. This wasn't me, was it? I didn't even look like myself. I scoffed at that notion; I haven't looked like myself in years. The light inside me had been slowly draining over the years and it was only my fault. I did this to myself. The burning in my chest dropped to my core and I groaned into the darkness of my room.

"Why do I feel as if I lost him already?" I whispered to no one; the sound of my voice was barely recognizable as I stared blankly at my reflection across the dimly lit room.

Katsuki had been with other people. I wasn't sure exactly how he had been with other people, but it was clear that my mate did not want me, and once again, I thought I was prepared for this. I thought I would have been prepared to shatter at his feet, hoping to build myself back up in a better light. Katsuki could have forgiven me and everything would be better. If he didn't hate me anymore, I wouldn't hate myself.

I watched as the moonlight reflected off the wet trails on my cheeks, casting a silver line down my face in the mirror, and I smiled. Reaching up, I brushed my face dry, watching intensely as the warm trails reappeared, marking my pale skin with silver lines that had me smiling to myself. The small highlights from my tears caught my attention in my reflection. Pretty.

I couldn't do this anymore. No version of this would turn out the right way. What even was the right way? I didn't deserve a mate. The moon Goddess was trying to tell me that -- no wonder my life had practically fallen to shit over the years. I fucked up in the past when I had thrown myself at a child in the pains of my heat -- and of course -- the goddess would never forgive crimes against children. I was sick, and no amount of groveling for Katsuki's forgiveness would win his love.