Linkguistics

Part 7: The Master Torch and Fireproof Wizards

Link rode into the Foothill Stable and then proceeded to do his best to spoil his horse on his own. The stablehands thought longingly about getting a horse like that someday. It had disappointed them to find out this was a horse that Link didn't want to give away or release. They'd offered a fair price, then a somewhat larger fair price, then someone offered their arm and leg for Epona. Link refused all offers. He did deign to let some kids pet Epona because how could he refuse the puppy dog eyes? The background chatter seemed to slide off Link's ears while he hung around the stable.

Link's attention was wandering as he brushed Epona's mane. He'd opted to take the road on horseback to Death Mountain and reacquaint himself with Epona. He'd foraged some great supplies on the way and found extra weapons which seemed immolation-resistant. During the trip he decided Epona was the best ever. She didn't require syntax, understood his commands, was gentle, and did not care a whit about the amnesia. Not only was she a calming influence, Link could get horse-talk. Socializing was great when you could talk about horses all day.

A stablehand's voice stood out slightly from the noise. "Oh man, you wouldn't believe who I ran into in Lanayru the other day..."

The other conversationalist snorted. "Let me guess, Yolero?"

The next sentence grabbed Link's attention. "Yeah, he was waving around the Master Torch again. He's convinced he's gonna save the Princess with it."

This drew an interruption from the formerly silent Link. "Master Sword?!" Link cried and startled the two men. "Who has it?"

Unfortunately for Link, the speaker didn't quite catch the near-homophone issue. It may have saved Link a bit of wet clothing. "Um, Yolero? He hangs out at the Lanayru Wetlands Stable. He has this 'Master Torch' and says he's gonna kill Ganon with it." This traveler watched Link start packing the moment he finished talking.

Link yelled backwards as he left with a pat on Epona's nose, "Thanks!"

It wasn't until after Link had gone around the corner when the one traveler looked at the other. "I think he misheard you. He said 'Sword,' not 'torch.'"

The stablehand walked around the side then returned with a stunned look on his face. "Um, he's already gone. Dang, he's fast."

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Link glared at the man who glared back. He'd asked around the stable and almost immediately found the person. The weapon was a different matter.

"That is NOT the Sword."

"Hah! Everybody knows it is the Torch that Seals the Darkness! The Master Torch is my weapon and I'm going to defeat Ganon with it!"

"Where's the Master Sword?"

"Torch. You expect a sword to do the job?"

"Sword. SWORD. It should be a sword!" Link knew there was a lot of things which he did not understand but he was confident he knew what he was talking about on this subject.

"It's a TORCH." There was tension in the air as the men stared at each other. Yolero turned back to his training. Link sighed and shuffled off to teleport back to the foothills. Epona deserved to get some rest, as did he. This had been a colossal waste of time.

Link shuffled back to put out a small flame before it got out of hand. Then he left again. Darn subliminal messaging word association hypnotic suggestion whatever, Link thought.

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Days later, Link had left Epona behind at the Foothill stable and was muttering to himself. He knew this trip would probably cure his arson if he could survive it. He now looked back at the damp and chilly Vah Ruta with nostalgia. Infinite pocket size helped his water supply and he was grateful for the ice rod on his back. It didn't make much difference, but he'd take it.

Chuchus and other unnatural wildlife kept bugging him but Link was more distressed when his notebook had caught fire. He felt genuine terror when it fell out of his bag and exploded as the parchment immediately hit flash-point temperature. He'd inspect the damage later when he got a shrine to teleport closer to Goron City. Link prayed his notes on split-infinitives survived the ordeal. He also hoped the next shrine monk was more into small-talk than every other monk he'd found. They hadn't wanted to chat about anything at all. Link hoped at least one would have known him in the past and shared info like, say, his middle name.

He chugged down another fireproof elixir as he asked a man about clothes. Then asked the man what he was getting at.

Kima wondered why on earth this foreigner was looking at him like he was the crazy one. It was just the lizards. It wasn't like the critters were scarce around here. He could see one scurrying around twenty feet away. "Yeah, if you catch lizards for me, I will give you my armor. How do I make it any clearer? I need ten of them."

"Um, ten lizards? Why!?" Link's disbelief dripped from every syllable.

Kima was baffled, "To take home and give to people!" He saw Link's mouth drop open even wider. Was the concept of a souvenir that incomprehensible to this foreigner? "Look, I just saw you catch two of them five minutes ago. Just get more."

Link went quiet for a moment and he went from astounded to merely thoughtful. He said, "Lizards... Those little animals? Lizards are not the things that walk on air and try to kill me?"

Kima didn't get it right away. He sighed when he realized what happened. "That's wizards, buddy. Wizzrobes if you want to be technical. Why would anyone take Wizzrobes home with them?"

Link caught enough lizards for the man's souvenirs and for more elixirs. At least Link still found it hilarious when people assumed he was not from Hyrule. There was so much irony in a guy who'd been existing in a country for thousands of years being mistaken for a new arrival. Actually, was I even in Hyrule while I was missing for ten-thousand years?... Link thought to himself. He decided he probably didn't want to remember or know.

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After a lot of negotiation with the armor shop owner, he managed to sell enough stuff to afford fireproof trousers. Link was happy about that and very proud of himself. He'd acted as if he was a normal person for the full length of an hour. Now it was time to find someone who knew how to catch a different kind of fireproof lizard. Link spotted a likely-looking house from his perch. He tried asking the Goron right below him, but the guy wasn't very helpful. Link couldn't make out anything of what the guy was saying.

Link picked a few words out of what the confused Goron was saying. He looked down at his feet. Of course, he now mused, maybe I shouldn't stand on this cooking grill? This might be unsanitary... Link trotted off, leaving a flummoxed chef behind. Link hoped that he could act nonchalant and avoid ever talking to the guy again. Either that or chatter away in his own language and pretend this was normal in some other country.

It took him a while to get a definition of 'eruption' when talking to Bludo. Then he had to have the plan repeated about twelve times. If it were not for the Sheikah Slate being fireproof, Link would have had to make a map out of some rock. Link asked a lot of questions with Bludo to see how, exactly, Yunobo was crucial to getting aboard Vah Rudania. Link wasn't so sure about the part where he used the cannon. Was he really supposed to trust the landing on a moving target? This whole thing sounded like it would end in death by lava or gravity. This was assuming Link survived the initial launch out of the cannon.

As he was headed out of town, he saw a Goron chowing down on a rock roast sprinkled with Goron spice. The smell and sight of the rock roast, combined with an enormous statue's visage, tugged at the corners of his memory.