Not Just Perfect

Live Laugh Love

I was really hoping he was kidding. he better be kidding. I didn't want to respond. "I mean..." I almost choked up. He started laughing. "I'm kidding Alex!" He smiled causing me to also. I was just so relieved. I looked at his tattoos going down his arm. One stood out to me. It said live laugh love and they were scratched out with die cry hate next to it. It looked really cool but why so depressing? I hesitated to ask. "Why do you have this?" I pointed to it and trailed my finger down his skin. He smiled. "I almost killed myself." His smile turned into a frown. My lips parted a bit in surprise. "Don't worry about it. I was just bullied is all. I got when I was like sixteen..." My first thought was 'isn't that illegal..' But I didn't care I wanted to know more. "You wanna hear the whole story don't you..?" I nodded slowly. Here we go, I thought.

"So I was in the 10th grade when I got my first tattoo." He swallowed and continued. "It was live laugh love. I tattooed this permanent quote on my body because it made me happy. It reminded me of how much I loved my sister.." I froze. What happened to her..? He kept speaking. "She always loved this quote because it helps her realize how beautiful life is. She always laughed and loved and... Well technically she didn't always live." That's when I saw a tear roll down his cheek. He looked down. "So one night at a party she decided to have sex with some football jock... And she began to have sex with a lot of boys. I never knew why. Because she is the last person I would imagine doing that. One day I found out from a football player that every single damn player on that team... forced her to have sex with them. It wasn't her 'choice' she did it cause she had to. The player told me because he was quitting the team. He was quitting because he was the only one who hadn't fucked my sister and he was just in pure disgusted with the team. Apparently they pick a new girl every month. It's some kind of game! She never wanted to talk about it around me and I wasn't aloud to tell my mom because lord knows that would make her life so much worse. Everyday at school my sister would get called a slut or a whore or a skank. I never stood up for her because I didn't want to get into shit but I should have. I blame myself everyday for her suicide." He stopped and took a deep breath. I held back my tears as I kept listening.

"So when she killed her self I got that tattooed on my wrist. Live laugh love. So I could remember her. Her beautiful eyes and her long brown hair and her perfect laugh. Oh god I miss her, but I can't let that one thing define who I am and take over my life. So I moved on eventually.... Eventually. But here's were it kicks in. I was in the 11th grade and this jock, asshole, preppy, shit thought it would be funny to scream "mmmm I miss your sisters ass and moans!" And he made a little gesture to his dick and I lost it. I pushed him against the locker and punched him square in the face until I thought about my sister and I saw her... I actually saw her. She looked at me with this little puppy dog face and said softly, "I know your upset, but it's okay, Kalin. There's no reason to defend me anymore.. I'm all ready gone." Her beautiful eyes twinkled. I felt my self tear up. I let go of my grip and he fell to the floor, coughing. I just walked off. That day, on I got bullied... Everyday."

He shook his head and continued. "I um got shoved into lockers and made fun of and one day I walked into my algebra class and right on my seat was tapped a sign that read 'beware of dog'. I ripped it off and through it in the trash can but it hurt. Real bad. It shouldn't have it really shouldn't have.. But it did. I felt like I could just slit my throat right then and there and no one would care! They would happily tap dance in my blood! I didn't know why they hated me.... They just did. I never did anything wrong! That night I got home and my mom was crying at the kitchen table. I was afraid to know what happened but I rushed over to her. She told me that while I was at school my father had shot himself in the head out in the backyard. I fell on the floor and cried. I thought it was a joke and when I realized it wasn't I stood up and pulled myself together. It was just me and my mom. I ended up getting 'live laugh love' crossed out and having 'die cry hate' replacing it. Because honestly that's all I did. I wanted to die. I cried until my body was out of tears. I was hated by everyone. There was no laughing or loving or living...After months of being harassed, yelled at, pushed, punched, stabbed in the back... I decided to commit suicide. I wrote a note to my mom and I took out a gun. The same one my dad commuted suicide with. My mom thought she hid it well.... I pointed it to my head and looked in the mirror. All the cruel words and names rushed through my head. My fingers slid down to the trigger. I took a deep breath, thinking it would be the last, then all of a sudden I realized I can't leave my mom. Alone. She would have no one. Soon she would commit suicide....my whole family would be a trail of forgotten stories. I couldn't let that happen. I put down the gun and lashed out in tears. From that day on I got stronger and stronger. You. You were my first kiss. In the 11th grade at that football game. I gained a lot of confidence that night... Thanks Alex." He finished.

I could barley speak. That was one of the saddest stories I have ever heard. "Kalin I- I-" He cut me off, "Alex it's okay. I just wanted to get that out of the way. Do you wanna head back home?" He smiled. I swallowed hard. "Yeah...um let's go." I stood up and pushed in my chair. He held the door open for me and we started down the street.