A Silhouette and Maybe More

Dear Amelia

That one word.

That one haunting word was all it took for me to be smacked in the face by those bold letters that I had previously seen before. I recognised them immediately. It was the same band that I had assumed Dan to be in. I never properly looked into though, I had either forgotten or couldn't when I did remember. This new discovery could maybe benefit my unhealthy thinking maybe giving me some closure...or it could make it worse, I couldn't decide.

I stormed through the door which alerted Abigail of my arrival and rushed over to my laptop which was lying on the coffee table. I got onto the neccessary websites as my fingers danced across the keyboard as fast as they could possibly go.

"What are you doing?" Yet again Abigail's big nose had to be stuck into my business.

"Nothing." I replied just wanting her to just at least once not question my every move. Fiddling with the tangled wires I plugged my earphones into my laptop and let the music flow through my ears. At first, I didn't hear anything, but then a quick inhale was heard before melodic singing sent chills through my entire body. The voice I heard had a similar resemblance to Dan's. It was so hard to believe that this soft and calming voice came from a man that was always frustratingly angry and always shouting.

His voice was beautiful, and I decided to stop after one song. As well as giving me a sense of comfort certain that it was definitely Dan, it also hurt me knowing that he went from being someone who was enjoying life, had a job that would only exist in dreams and was generally happy, to a man with a criminal record, blood on his hands and who is now...dead. My laptop lid slammed down and I shoved it to the side of me. I sat there, body slowly melting into the couch, thinking. Thinking about how this had slowly slipped my mind and escaped me. I wanted to look into it more, but also at the same time I didn't. There was almost a moment of hesitation when I reached for my laptop once again afraid of what I might find.

It took me hours to find everything there was to Bastille; about Dan and the other members, how they came to be, what happened after the break up of the band, and what they're doing now.

"What are you doing that's making you sit for hours and not move a muscle and go through 3 cups of coffee?" Abigail asked, sounding quite concerned.

"Research." I replied, not daring to bat an eyelid. She'd placed herself beside me to take a look at my screen and sighed seeing the messages of condolence sent from his fans on every possible social media website. I wanted to send one, but I couldn't put into words how my emotions could be put into consideration in relation to how the other fans are taking the news, only I could understand how his death affected me personally. I eventually found myself scanning through the given information on his Wikipedia page that I didn't even know he had.

"So it was him." She mumbled. She attempted to get me to look at her, but I couldn't, my eyes were glued to the information. His entire life story was right here, as if he had typed it himself.

Everything. Everything he had ever mentioned was on this page, about Angela, about the phase he went through and about the killing. I couldn't let myself go from this torture I was putting myself through. Why couldn't I stop?

"Listen Amelia, this probably isn't the best thing for you to do, I understand he meant a lot to you but this is just going to make it worse." Finally some words of wisdom had been said by Abigail. She was right, I had to stop this, it won't change anything, it won't bring Dan back no matter how much I wanted him back.

"C'mon, it's late. Let's get to bed hm?"

I mumbled as my reply and followed Abigail to my bedroom.

"Goodnight Abigail."

"Goodnight, hopefully you'll feel better in the morning."

After tucking myself into bed I let myself fall into darkness while my consciousness slowly fade away into until I was completely consumed by sleepiness. After today I didn't want to hear anything about Dan. Sleeping was my only way of escaping the struggle of coping with his death.

After a surprisingly peaceful sleep, I awoke to what hopefully may be an easy day. I heard that Abigail was already up and humming to herself like usual. I grudgingly walked through to the kitchen half yawning and already heading to the coffee. I caught Abigail doing her stretches and warm-ups before she went out for a run. I did smirk seeing her ridiculous routine of warming up.

"Morning, you feeling better?"

"Yeah, I suppose. Better than yesterday at least. I just need to learn to accept the hard things." I sighed.

"I know it's hard but I'm glad you're feeling better. Right, I'll catch you later I'm going for my run." She smiled and slammed the door on her way out, not realising her eagerness and strength. I did my morning routine which consisted of making coffee and checking through any feeds. Twitter was always the priority when it came to checking feeds. Unfortunately when I was going through Dan's profile yesterday I did fall into the trap and succumbed to the temptation of following him and his band, now realising it was a big mistake. My breath hitched when I saw a picture of Dan dressed casually with his arms around two of the bandmates, standing by his side, each of them gleaming. He just looks so happy. Before I brought myself to tears I pulled away from my phone and decided to check my mail to distract me from my phone. Opening the door as narrowly as I possibly could to avoid the public seeing me in my pyjamas, I snaked my hand out the door and grabbed the bundle of mail sitting at the foot of the door. I shuffled through them noticing that they were all probably just bank statements or bills that were due to be paid, that was until the last letter. Handwritten and addressed to me. I never received letter like these, I assumed it was just my parents checking up on me to see if I haven't gotten kicked out of the house yet. But why send a letter? Why not call?

Slicing through the edge of the envelope I reached for the neatly folded letter inside and unravelled it. The first thing I noticed was how it was dated from last year, a few months after I was released from Dan's clutches. The handwriting was different compared to the writing on the front of the envelope.

Dearest Amelia,
I simply don't know where to start. 'Sorry' would definitely not be enough to even begin to tell you how much I regret doing what I did to you. You must hate me now. I was too weak, I couldn't risk anything knowing that I had that capability of contacting you, or you to me. Just please understand that I just wanted you to be safe, that's all I wanted. I need to be set right for the things I have done, however I did promise you that I wouldn't turn myself in and I want to keep my promise to you. So that's why I have prepared this letter, I don't know where or when it's going to be sent but I do hope that whoever I put my trust into will send this to the right person. Whatever happens in the future Amelia, I swear that I will find you again and we can finally be together and if that's not what you want then I will stand by your word because I understand. Don't forget me, I'll be alone if you do. I love you Amelia Grace. Goodbye.

Dan.