Nostalgic For Disasters [Jake Peralta X Reader]

10

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"Take it easy, Jakey."

The first time I heard that nickname it gave me butterflies. The second time I heard it, warmth. The third, chills. But now, panic. "Slow down, breathe, and tell me what happened." She reasoned. It was close to two in the morning when I decided to stop hiding in my dorm, and talk to her. I felt guilty, and I needed to tell her, my best friend and girlfriend, what happened. I couldn't bear holding a secret like this.

I fucked up.

"I was at the bar with Stevie, it was around eleven when I met this girl who bought me a drink. And y'know im broke, so I slightly raised the glass up and nodded in her direction." I began my spiel, bumbling my way through. I could bite the tension in the room with all my might and I wouldn't leave any mark. "Then she came over and she started flirting with me and Stevie, and I clearly said 'I have a girlfriend'." I spoke with air-quotes. Y/N's grief-ridden, tired eyes never looked at my face while I explained.

          "And- and I don't know what happened! I felt anxious and a bit nauseous, but we started dancing and she kept bringing herself closer to me." Y/N's arms crossed as she tried her best to grant me patience and understanding. "She started dancing ON me and I tried to push her away,, but then, she kissed me." I held my breath for a moment, expected the worst, but when Y/N said nothing, I felt the consequences of my compliance. " She kept on kissing me, and I never really reacted- good or bad." I sighed, "I just stood there. I did nothing to prevent it or stop it. I- I knew it was wrong, I knew the whole time it was wrong,, but I never stopped it."

          Y/N never said anything. She stood there, in silence, processing. It took her a minute or two, for me it felt like hours, but she touched my shoulder. It was a simple gesture, but it was enough to show me that even in her confusion and processing, she still cared about how I felt. She was so generous and caring, I wished that she would've kept her hand on my shoulder for longer than it actually was. That was the second to last time I had a conversation with her in the academy. It took her a minute, but she asked me to leave her dorm. The last time she ever spoke to me in academy went like this,

"I don't know what's harder: letting go or just being okay with it."
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