Nostalgic For Disasters [Jake Peralta X Reader]

Epilogue

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"Im such an ass."

           I let my head rest against the sticky bar at Shaw's as I faced myself with truth. "No you're not." Amy reassured me, rubbing my back soothingly. My face felt dry despite all the tears that have stained my cheeks for the past six days. "I feel so guilty."

            "Jakey," Amy consoled, "Do you want to talk about what happened? I still don't quite know but I don't you to feel pressured into telling me." I took a swift sip of the beer before me. I mustered you the strength, shifted myself towards Amy, and looked in her eyes. I felt myself begin to well-up. No more hiding my feelings. My whole childhood, through my dad's affairs, my parents divorce, and the rejection from Jenny Gildenhorn, I've hid. But now,

           "I heard footsteps in the hall." I paused, and took a deep breath. "I heard the shooter coming, and there was time to warn her, and I didn't." I shook my head in shame, I had no more words left. With the tears billowing out, my posture shrunk. I felt just as pathetic as,,, I don't even know what. "Hey," She soothed, "it was just your instincts. You felt that the shooter would've killed the whole room if you told her to move." Amy rationalized. I shook my head, barely listening, barely comprehending any word the words spilling from her lips. We sat in silence for ten minutes, all we did was drink.

"I've been having dreams about her. Five so far." I stated. I had closed my eyes, each dream was just a vivid memory from our shared time. "I don't want to go to sleep tonight." Amy stayed silent and periodically took sips of her drink. "I don't know what tonight's gonna be. It's probably gonna be when I heard she moved on,, and then promptly got cheated on." I didn't know how to act. My whole life, when it came to talking and expressing thoughts, not so much emotions, I knew how to say the words. Words are gone now.

            "Rosa was devastated." Amy said bluntly. It feels as if Amy doesn't like me right now. "If only Stevie was there,, I wonder if he even knows." I commented. "Don't blame yourself for that too; he deserved to be prosecuted, you did the right thing." Amy said. I sighed, reminiscing about our group. "It doesn't feel like she's gone." I blurted. "It should feel more,, more, -bad! I should be in pain, my heart should be aching more." I rambled. "Jakey, you weren't that close to Y/N after you two broke up. It's not your fault." I wanted to rip my hair out of my head with anger. "It IS MY FAULT! I wasn't fair! I cheated and I lied, and I hurt her. She's-" I choked up,

"She's gone. Forever."
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