FALL (DIMENSION Series #1)

CHAPTER 7

I was stunned into silence. I watched Derek inside his car, intensely aware of the tingling of my skin where his fingers had brushed mine. I felt weak, like my legs might give out under me.

     He can't be autistic, I thought. All of this had been too normal. The way he'd spoken to me and teased me and asked for my number. Hope swelled inside my chest. It inflated my heart, which became so big that it felt like it might burst.

      After he'd tossed his phone on the seat beside him, he turned to face me. I'd expected to see the same hope in his eyes, reflected back at me. But it wasn't there. On the contrary, there was nothing in his eyes. They were expressionless. They'd gone back to the same flat dark green of earlier in the day. The golden specks dimmed. Oh no, I thought. It's happening again. He's retreating from me.

      "Have a good evening," Derek said. And it sounded hollow to me, like an overused phrase casually tossed in my direction. He smiled at me again. That empty smile that didn't extend all the way to his eyes.

      Too defeated to speak, I waved goodbye and watched him drive off. The brief feeling of happiness had been crushed by the ending that had followed it. I stood there, trying to get to the bottom of what had just happened. Was it true that he had some kind of mental disconnect like people on the spectrum sometimes had? Or was it something worse than that? Was it something about me? Was I unable to really hold his attention?

     I finally started walking again. I entered the kitchen and went straight upstairs, into the small bathroom I shared with Jason. I repeatedly splashed my face with water, as if I could splash away the disappointed state that had descended on me. I entered my room with Estella at my side. I scooped her up and hugged her to me. Burying my face in her silky fur.

      Dinner with my family eventually transpired, but I wasn't fully present for it. A lesser version of myself managed to make my way through it. I tried to enjoy my chicken pot pie, but a deep disappointment had set in.

      "Hiking tomorrow with Nisha and Neal?" my mother asked.

      I nodded. I knew she craved more details, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Nisha, Neal and I formed the core of our hiking group. Sometimes Nisha's older brother joined us, or Mary Rose came along. Being a fashionista, Mary Rose had to be convinced to traipse around the woods. I typically liked it when there were more of us, but I was glad for tomorrow's smaller group. I wanted a quiet walk and time to think.

      Later in my room, I sat in the semi-darkness and stared out at our backyard. I could make out the silhouettes of the trees. I felt cloaked by the same darkness that had fallen across them. I thought about listening to music, but I couldn't think of any song that could wipe away my sudden sadness. Instead, I pulled out my phone. I sat it on my desk where I could see it. Hoping against hope that it would light up with a text from Derek. But there was nothing.

      Eventually I made it over to my bed. I pulled the blue comforter up around me and Estella found her place next to my legs. My phone was on my nightstand, placed face up, so that I'd hear and see any texts that might come my way. I lay rigidly in my bed, staring at it. But no text came and eventually I drifted off to sleep.

      In the morning, I felt a strip of sunlight across my face and that seemed to reset me. At least partially. I managed to let Estella out, to take a short shower, to make it into my jeans, my purple sweatshirt and my hiking shoes. I glanced at my phone one more time before tossing it in my mostly empty backpack. No text messages. Just the same blankness I'd stared at repeatedly since last night.

     In the kitchen I loaded up on bottles of water, apples, and granola bars.

      "Perfect day for a hike," my dad said from where he was sitting at the kitchen table. He glanced up from his laptop where he was catching up on the news.

      "Definitely perfect," I agreed.

     I felt a small pang of anticipation. I liked being with my friends and among the trees. The forest had always been a magical place to me.

     I said goodbye to my dad and Neal and I set off to walk to the start of the hiking trail where we'd be meeting Nisha. We passed a couple of hikers sporting serious gear. One of the good things about Bluffside, and Colorado in general, was the high prevalence of hiking trails. And of course the Rocky Mountains were incredible. The whole area teemed with outdoor enthusiasts.

      "What did you and Derek Nash talk about yesterday?" Neal asked.

      "Nothing," I replied, staring off into the distance.

      "Nothing?" Neal asked, sounding surprised.

      "We're not taking about Derek Nash," I said with finality. I didn't want Derek to be a part of our walk any more than he unavoidably would be. I didn't want him to be dragged even deeper into this beautiful morning and to ruin it for me by hovering in my thoughts.

      "Okay," Neal said, looking at me with cautious eyes. "We're not talking about Derek Nash."

      Neal and I didn't talk much after that. Slices of sun reached us through the trees. I tried to envision each splash of sun across my face as a health-increasing dose of Vitamin D. I knew that I needed to snap out of my malaise and this was my way of working on it.

     I thought about this latest encounter with Derek, but I thought about it selectively. I focused only on the pieces I wanted to remember. He had called me an interesting girl. That was the thing I repeated in my mind. I repeated it like a silent mantra and it gave me some hope. Up until a week ago, Derek Nash had never even had a real conversation with me. And yesterday he'd called me interesting. Surely that was some kind of progress.

      We rounded the final corner and came upon Nisha's silver Land Cruiser—her dad's old car with high mileage, but still impressive.

      "Hey," I called and waved at her.

      "Hey guys," she called back and trotted over to hug us. Her thick black hair was pulled up in a messy bun and she looked great in her red puffer jacket.

     "Ready?" Neal asked me.

     I nodded, and smiled at him too, hoping it would make up for my earlier mood.

      We set off on our favorite trail. It was seven miles long and took over two hours to complete. We could probably get through it faster. But it was quite a climb and we needed extra time for talking too. And Neal wasn't the fastest walker either.

      "A lifesaver?" Nisha asked and held the roll out to me.

      "Thanks," I said and popped the candy in my mouth, relishing its sweetness.

     And then we were on the trail, disappearing into the trees that were crowding us from both sides. It was great to disappear like this. To glance up at the big trees with their wide branches. Some evergreens and some full orange and red leaves. The trees put things in perspective. Derek Nash was a boy. A very handsome boy. But still just a boy. He didn't have the majesty of a forest tree, and he didn't have the longevity either. This line of reasoning provided temporary relief. Of course my Derek obsession was always below the surface. But that was where it would stay for the rest of this hike. Below the surface.

* * *

NEXT NEW CHAPTER ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19

Thank you for reading this chapter! Show your support for this story by simply clicking on the little VOTE (star) button.

And, of course, I'd love to hear your comments too.

Have an excellent day!