FALL (DIMENSION Series #1)

CHAPTER 39

"I was worried about you," I blurted out.

     Derek blinked as if he was trying to take it all in. This was sincerely how I'd felt. But it had also been a dorky thing to say. And I hadn't planned this sentence, but it seemed at the forefront of my mind. And now it seemed like it had been too much. Like it was a testament of what I really felt for him. Like he'd know by my choice of words that I loved him or something.

     He nodded slowly and looked forlorn. And there was an air if discomfort around him. Like things weren't quite settled. Like he was adjusting to something or trying to get used to something new. Like he'd suddenly stepped into icy water or something. He continued to look at me but his eyes were expressionless now and getting darker. Something was growing between us. We hadn't moved at all. But the space between us seemed more expansive than before, just as the sky had been earlier. I could feel it growing. It became vast, like a stretch of land too large to cross.

     Charlie appeared. He looked Derek in the eye, touched his shoulder and left his hand there in a show of affection. Nobody was looking at me. I felt awkward as I brushed the dirt off my arms. My presence seemed superfluous here. It seemed a space for family and close friends and I was neither. Last night I'd felt closer than a close friend. I'd felt on the verge of being a girlfriend, but that feeling was gone now.

     The pixie appeared at his side. Isabelle looked beautiful. Her short dark hair glinted in the sunlight. She moved with ease, and her smile made dimples in her cheeks. That smile seemed endless.

     "Hey," she said to Derek and she was casual. The opposite of how I'd been. I'd been wired—full of stored-up words and so taken with the moment that I couldn't really speak. Isabelle, on the other hand, had that ease about her. It implied that things were okay, that she and Derek were okay, no matter what had happened. No matter his unexplained absence or the worry he'd caused her.

     Isabelle looked perfect as she was standing next to him. In her tight red sweater and her high-heeled black boots she looked like a model. Derek's hair was disheveled and his jean jacket fit him loosely. They both looked like models, like they could have been posing for a print ad of some trendy brand of clothes. A cool vibe was oozing from them. And there was something else, I thought as I bit my lower lip. They looked like there were together, like they might be a couple. I sighed and pushed a strand of loose hair behind my ear. Why had I ever thought that I'd be perfect for him?

     "Let's go," Isabelle said to Derek and touched his arm. It was as if she could read my thoughts. As if she knew how defeated I felt.

     "I need a moment," he said and nodded at her. She held his gaze for a while and I thought at first that she'd challenge him, but she turned away and left him alone. And he turned to me.

     "I was gone for a while," he said to me.

     "No shit," I replied. I was feeling sarcastic, but I was also somewhat resigned. Like nothing could shock me anymore. The same acceptance that I'd seen in Isabelle seemed to have descended on me. As if I hadn't just seen someone return from an unseen place. As if I hadn't seen a bent sky that looked made up giant plates of ocean-shaded liquid. Shape shifting and expansive. Derek had returned from a place that couldn't be seen or understood. And I seemed to accept this as a new fact of the universe. The world was not the same and I was not the same.

     It seemed some wisdom had descended on me. Along with a new vocabulary. I suddenly had the clear sense that I'd become one of those girls who cursed. The words had found me somehow. I could sense that things wouldn't be the same. Shit had just been the tip of the iceberg. Already I felt more curse words burbling up on inside me. It signaled a change. The change that would be needed in me to deal with all this strangeness. I had to be become liberated from who I'd been. I had to become a person who wasn't easily shocked. A person who could take all of this in and be unfazed. Once you knew certain things you couldn't unlearn them. And once you got in the habit of saying certain words they'd always be on the tip of your tongue, ready to be released into a room and into the world.

     I looked into Derek's eyes. I took in his entire face. I wanted to memorize everything. The dips and curves. His cheekbones and the place where dimples sometimes appeared unexpectedly. I needed a blueprint of his beauty. Something to be stored in my memory that I could access. I already knew what would happen next. I sensed he would tell me, but I knew even before he spoke out the words.

     "I'll continue to be gone for a while," he said. "I mean I'll be here but not really here." There was a brief flicker of something in his eyes. Sympathy maybe? Sympathy for the poor girl standing in front of him who had clearly fallen so hard for him. But the flicker of that emotion didn't last long before it was taken over by a certain deadness in his eyes.

     "No worries," I said, and steeled myself as I gave him what felt like an empty smile.

     Isabelle appeared at this side and looked at me with surprise her brows lifted. My nonchalant act seemed to be working and that was a good thing. It was the only way I could survive this destruction that had now been set in motion.

     I bit down hard on my lower lip and tasted blood in my mouth. I looked back at Derek. One final stare. One more moment to memorize his face and his expression. The perfection that cloaked him. I had to remember everything about this moment and more specifically everything about him. I thought I'd have a while to linger on this moment and this boy. Some hours or maybe even some days and nights. And then I'd have to forget almost everything about this. It would be the only to survive what was happening. To live alongside it would not be a good idea. It was the kind of thing that could take me down.

     I watched Derek walk off with Isabelle. She was hanging onto his arm, like it was a normal thing. Like she had a right to hang onto his arm whenever she felt like it. And I registered that the sky had returned to normal. It seemed misplaced—the normal sky. I wanted it to be strange like it had been before, to go along with the image of Derek with Isabelle. I wanted the sky to proclaim what I was keenly feeling. That Derek's return had tipped things off balance. The world had become distorted. And my place in it, uncertain. 

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