FALL (DIMENSION Series #1)

CHAPTER 16

I zipped through my texts. I scanned the names of everyone who had written me without pausing to read what they'd actually written. Nisha, Neal, Mary Rose, Julia and some other names sped by. I frowned with concentration, searching the screen for his name. But it wasn't there.

      My heart plummeted. I checked all my texts again, just to be sure. Looking for an unknown number since I didn't have him as a contact, nor did I have his number. But there was nothing from any unknown number. Which meant that there was nothing from him.

      I sighed and leaned forward to turn off the light. I couldn't stand its brightness. I wanted to be in the dark. Energy seemed to leak out from my limbs.

     I sank back deeper into my pillows. I set down my phone and stared out my window at the snippet of black sky. My heart was heavy.

      Derek had come to see my father, and I had no idea why. Couldn't Derek have told me about it? Either beforehand, or afterward?

     In my empty room, I kept seeing his face, his green eyes with the golden speckles, his perfect body. And I also heard his voice. I replayed his sentences in my mind. Those sentences he had said to me were mine now. They belonged to me. I could find them in my memory and replay them whenever I felt like it. I had been given this gift.

     I was relieved to be by myself. I needed some time to regain my senses. To get over this latest disappointment.

     I was thankful that my mother wasn't hovering. Since I was reserved with her, there were many things she didn't know about my life. But on some level, she understood that I needed time on my own. I had Nisha and Neal, Mary Rose and Julia, and some other friends and acquaintances. But I also liked being by myself.

     I struggled to relate to people sometimes. I had feelings that I couldn't express to anyone. I didn't even have the language for some of those feelings. And I relished being self-sufficient—I loved going to the movies by myself.

     I'd always kept some parts of my life private. Even before some secrecy had been mandated by my Derek obsession. Sometimes I was certain that my real life wasn't the life everyone saw. My parents, the kids at school—they didn't know. My real life was inside me. It was made up of the things only I knew about. When I was sitting by myself in a dark movie theater, eating milk duds—in those moments, I was happy. I missed no one.

     Now of course, there was Derek, or more accurately, my obsession with him, to be reckoned with. I bit my lower lip. I wondered just how far my life would be scrambled up by this boy. Would I still be happy to watch movies by myself, or would I miss him as I sat alone in the dark? Would Derek Nash find a way to insert himself into everything I loved?

     I continued watching the black sky with Estella next to me, curled up against my legs. I went into a kind of meditative state. Trying to come out of the sudden sadness that had settled into my limbs.

     I wasn't in pain, but I felt heavier than before and I was reminded of my body's fragility. The impact of my body hitting the ground seemed to have transferred something inherent to the hard soil into my bones. I thought I could better understand the earth's oldness now. Its ancient battles, and the many things it must have witnessed. The marches of millions of men over millions of years.

     Eventually there was a soft knock at my door.

      "I'm awake," I said.

      "How are you feeling now?" my mother asked, opening the door and peering in.

"Better," I lied. That feeling of heaviness was still with me, but I didn't want my mother hanging around for longer than necessary. I didn't think I could explain my strange state, even if I tried. And I was ready to do something else. I'd had enough of this bed.