FALL (DIMENSION Series #1)

CHAPTER 30

Derek was looking at me intently. His eyes didn't look shattered like before, but they were serious. Full of things that hadn't been spoken. I had told him how I felt, but he hadn't fully reciprocated. He hadn't yet unpacked the things that resided in his heart. And maybe he never would. I could tell that he'd had a more complicated life than I'd had. He seemed to be what my mother referred to as an old soul. And I knew that the most difficult things often went unspoken. It sometimes felt like digging up those sharp-edged feelings and speaking them out would cut up your insides even more.

      I couldn't look away from his eyes. They were hypnotizing in the light of the stars and the moon. I wondered about all the things his eyes had seen. I knew, on some visceral level, that those things weren't limited to Bluffside or Rochester. He'd done some living, that was clear. And I had a sense that it hadn't all been in the here and now. That he'd traversed some far-out paths. Of course I didn't know the details.

     Again, I thought of reincarnation, which I didn't believe in, but thought was a nice idea. Nisha believed in reincarnation. That humans had more than one life. What if who Derek was, was somehow related to a strange phenomenon like reincarnation? He seemed to be part of something that couldn't be explained. What if he was a person who'd seen things from other lives and who retained some knowledge of those journeys?

      "You say it's going to be okay," Derek said softly, ending my reverie. "But how do you really know that Ellie?"

      My heart skipped a beat. It was because he'd said my name. It still had that effect on me. Derek saying my name. It was astonishing and enchanting and whenever it happened I felt like my soul took off and flew a lovely little distance. I tugged at his jean jacket and was flooded with happiness. I had come a long way. From deeply and obsessively admiring a boy to wearing his jacket.

     "You know that I'm different," he said and his face looked pained. "But you don't know how different I really am," he continued and sighed. "I can't offer you what a more mainstream guy could," he said and paused.

     He glanced up at the stars, as if he was looking for an answer, or at the very least for some support. And I thought they were giving it to him. To us. They had become even more blazing and brilliant and dazzling.

      "I could never give you what a normal guy could," he said, and I heard the resignation in his voice. I could tell right away how hard this battle had been for him. This struggle of not feeling normal.

      "I don't want normal," I blurted out. And it was true. I'd never felt about anyone like I felt about Derek. Who cared if he vacated his body? Who cared if I could just have him part of the time? Minutes with him were worth more than lifetimes with anyone else.

      He shook his head and stared off in the distance.

      "I can't be here all the time," he said. "I could never take care of you like I'd want to."

     My heart fluttered in my chest. It was a new fluttering—it was somewhere between the jitters that you got when you were really infatuated, as I clearly was, and the anticipation you felt on a roller coaster, as it paused right before dropping you down and making you scream with delight.

      What he said implied that he wanted to take care of me. And at this moment that seemed like the best thing I'd ever heard. That was the infatuation part of things. It made me feel all warm and gooey on the inside, like I was so melted with love and gratitude that I could barely sit up straight. But then there was the roller coaster feeling. Like things were not what they seemed. Like I was perched on something that would be ripped out from underneath me. And that I'd have to steel myself and be braver than I thought I could be. Because he'd said he could never do it. He could never take care of me.

      "Are you going to leave?" I asked. "Are you going to leave Bluffside?"

      Again that pained expression crossed his face. His eyes were light and alert, but his face hinted at his feelings of torture. And his jaw was set.

      "I don't want to leave," he mumbled.

      "But are you going to?" I asked.

      "These things aren't up to me," he said, and his voice was very low now.

      "Who gets to decide?" I asked. I was feeling the stirrings of disappointment. I couldn't deal with someone else making decisions for us. "Is it your uncle?" I asked angrily.

      "It's not up to Charlie," he replied, shaking his head.

      "Well, who then?" I asked, gaining steam. "Who gets to decide these things?" I had known that his uncle wasn't the real problem. I could tell that our problem was bigger than a single man, but of course I didn't know the details.

      "That's the part I can't tell you," he said.

      "Why?" I demanded crossly. "Have you been sworn to secrecy or something?"

      "Something like that," he replied, and a shadow crossed his eyes.

      "What the hell?" I exclaimed. I was fully ticked off now. "How can you not even be allowed to divulge the details of your own life?"

      "Because," he said and looked over at me. "Divulging those details could revoke my privilege of being here," he said, sounding older than he was. And again I had the sense that he'd lived more than he'd led on. More than his age seemed to suggest. And the way he'd said it made me grasp the gravity of the situation. He was in an inexplicable situation. And he was in pain. And the one thing I didn't want to do was to cause him more pain.

      "I understand," I said. Even though I didn't really understand the situation. I just didn't want to keep putting him on the spot like this. I wanted the shadows to leave his eyes.

      "So, you see," he said, his eyes getting even darker. "It wouldn't be a good idea for you to hang out with me." He sighed. "And it would be a very bad idea for you to ever get close to me."

      A weight had invaded my arms. I thought it was because of the heaviness of the discussion. But this was my moment. I had to do something. I had to rescue us from drifting down this swampy bog that seemed to have sprung up around us. A swamp I'd created by asking too many questions of an unanswerable nature.

      "It remains my choice," I said. "Whether I decide to hang out with you. Whether I decide to get close to you."

     I felt lighter and there was a slight glimmer in his eyes. A glimmer of hope, I thought. Things were getting better, I thought.

      He shook his head.

      "You don't understand the cost to you."

      "I know there's a cost," I said. "And I'm willing to pay it."

     I felt lighter with every sentence I uttered. It was because I knew I'd be taking my chances. I would get on the roller coaster. I'd make circles in the sky, and maybe I'd be smashed down even when I didn't want to be. But I was ready now. I'd get on that ride with its sharp twists and intoxicating highs and sudden lows. And gravity would be defied. And my soul would be open wide.

* * *

NEXT NEW CHAPTER—SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Thank you for reading this chapter! Show your support for this story by simply clicking on the VOTE (star) button. And, of course, I'd love to read your comments too.

Have a great day!