K Y L I E (On Hold)

Chapter 12

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Kylie: Working on some new content for the KYLIE youtube page. This makeup tutorial will be my everyday makeup look and I'll also be doing a giveaway so stay tuned. 

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"You didn't have to leave my house." I say once Zendaya answers the call. 

"It was so awkward, I wasn't expecting that." I can imagine her blushing.

"Eh." I shrug my shoulders. "Anyways, I'm heading down to my studio for the rest of the day so I'll call you tomorrow and don't worry, nobody will be here."

We talk for a few more minutes before ending the call. 

I sigh as I walk into my shower. It takes a few seconds for the water to get hot as I step underneath the shower head. The first thing that I do is wash my face as a few tears escape from my eyes.

I ignore the way that the fog is steaming up the glass  as I wash my body. 

I can't help but think back to when Stephen was leaving my place. As he was walking out of my house, a small bag fell from his pocket. He carrying cocaine in his pocket and I felt an instant craving for it.

Luckily, I caught myself and handed it back over to him before slamming the door shut. He must know about my previous addiction, the whole world does after I announced it. How could he bring drugs into my home knowing that I overdosed?

The need to reach out to my old dealer became prominent which is why I called my sister because it was just under Zion's name. My Zion who I sent to rehab for his drug addiction, maybe I should have went with him.

I should have went.

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"How are you feeling?" I look up at the therapist that I called over. "Kylie, how are you feeling in this exact moment?"

"Like I need to go rehab." I honestly say as I think through my day. "I don't feel good anymore."

"Why is that?" She asks as she starts jotting things down on her notepad. 

"I don't want to relapse." I tell her as I wipe away a small tear. "I feel betrayed by the fact that I let somebody into my new home and they brought drugs in here. This home was a new beginning and now it is tainted."

"Why do you believe that your home is tainted?" 

"It has been drug free since I bought it. I don't even have any medication in this house." I start feel agitated as I look around my house. "Coming back into this life, I came back clean and I came back a new woman. I even sent my ex partner to rehab because it became apparent that he was still using. I was doing ok."

"And now you're not?" I shake my head at her question as tears fall from my eyes.

I'm not ok.

"I think that I need to go rehab." I use a tissue to dab at my wet eyes. "I'm definitely going to relapse, I can just feel it inside."

"I don't think that you need to go rehab." The therapist tells me as she puts her pen down. "I think that you are actually in a good space, I just think that this is the fear that you are feeling right now. Don't let the fear overtake you, you have been clean for almost seven months and you did that all by yourself. Nobody helped you get through it, you did it because you overdosed and you knew that you needed to change. You are remarkable Kylie and not many people can do what you have done."

I bow my head as the tears begin to fall again.

"I'm not strong enough to do this alone."

"You have a great support system from what I have heard. You have a whole team of great women behind you from your sister to your grandmother, all women who are willing to listen and help. That can only happen if you open up to them."

The session ended not long after and I was not satisfied with what she had to say. 

How could I?

I didn't sleep that night or the next. 

I didn't even leave my house in fear that I would go see Jordyn or the other people who used to supply drugs to me. A thin layer of sweat coated my whole body as I sat in front of my fireplace, I felt so dirty. My home felt dirty.

Everything felt dirty.

I knew in that moment that things would never be the same.

The following days were a blur but when I came from it, I was in bed and Stephen was asleep behind me. 

Something felt wrong so I started looking around my room for what it could be. I don't even know why Stephen was here, I vowed to never see him again. Was it possible that in my state delirium that I called him? Would I have called him?

I almost fall out of bed once I spot something familiar on the floor.

"No, no, no, no." I practically cry as I see the used needle on the floor. I pull at my jumper, scratching my skin in the process as I try to look for the mark that would tell me everything. 

It didn't take me long to find it, a fresh mark over my faded one.

A heart wrenching sob leaves me my lips as I stumble out of bed, the words 'no' frantically leaving my lips as I race to the bathroom. I don't even strip before stepping into the shower, I quickly turn on the hot water. 

I let out a small gasp as the water falls on my head. I then start tearing my clothing off my self, I find myself racing against time as the water turns hot. Once my clothes are off, I start scrubbing at my skin in hopes that everything will leave my body. I scrub my skin in hopes that this is just a dream.

"Jesus Christ." Stephen curses as he turns the hot water. "You could have severely burnt yourself. Do you know how hot that was?"

"GET OUT!" I scream as I push him away from me. "YOU'RE THE DEVIL! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

"Kylie, you asked me."

"GET OUT!" I continue pushing him, I almost slip as we leave the shower and he catches me. "JUST GO! STEPHEN PLEASE!"

I plead as the tears begin to stream.

"I was clean." I say as I begin to scratch the fresh mark on my arm. "Now I'm dirty, I'm so dirty."

"Kylie." He sighs. "I just thought that it would be fun, you didn't seem mad when I had it the last time. I didn't think that you would react this way."

"You've ruined me."

I would never be the same again.