Greys Anatomy One Shots

Darkness [TW: Depression]

Jo's POV

All I could do was stare at the brick wall as I laid in bed, I didn't even want to blink. It was like my mind had just shut off. I felt a mix of sad and numb, but it didn't make sense. I had a good life; I enjoy what I do for a living, I have a nice home, a great husband who loves me and who I love back, great friends who are there whenever I need them, I have a stable income and for the first time I don't need to worry about money. Nothing was really wrong in my life, in fact, it's the best it's ever been. So why do I feel so shitty? What excuse do I have? I don't know what time it is, every minute that passed by just felt like hours. I wanted to sleep to escape my negative thoughts, but I was having no such luck. Being alone in the apartment, there wasn't much to do, but I don't even want anyone around me like this, and why should they have to deal with me in this state? This is pathetic. I'm pathetic. I haven't been to work in a few days, I just called in sick. I love my job, I really do, but I just can't find the will to get out of bed let alone to work. I know that I'm no use to anyone if my brain isn't 100% focused. I deal with people's lives daily, I can't afford to be distracted with this self hatred, this selfish attitude, this ridiculous pity I have for myself. Sometimes I do wonder what my life would have been like if I wasn't here, call me morbid if you want, but it's true. It doesn't change that fact. I just feel like I shouldn't be lately, like I don't deserve to be. What good am I when I'm like this? I'm just a waste of space, why am I even here? I try to tear my eyes away from the wall to look at the clock but it's as though they're transfixed to one specific brick, like they're rocks too heavy to lift. Everything feels like such a damn struggle these days, even breathing. Sometimes I purposely don't breathe, I see how long my body can last without inhaling the oxygen I'm laid here wasting. I always breathe in the end, not intentionally, it's just the body's reflex to breathe. I mean, it's not supposed to let you die. Still I wouldn't mind it. Dying, I mean. I don't think I'd really be a loss. What's stopping me from downing a bottle of pills, slitting my wrists, hanging myself? The more I think about it the more I realise I'm caring less and less; that Alex would move on, my friends would be fine, and there are plenty of new doctors to replace me that know more than I do. Who would really care if I died? I close my eyes and start to imagine the process, and I find myself romanticising suicide. As a doctor I know I'm sinking into depression and that I should be seeking professional help, but I can't bring myself to, I don't want to. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and just cry. I've been doing that a lot lately; crying. It's all I ever do when I'm alone, with no one around to hear me or catch me. I can't remember the last time I smiled genuinely, it was too long ago. I felt familiar salty tears stream down my cheeks and nearly jumped when the door opened but to my surprise it wasn't Alex, it was Meredith. I quickly wiped my eyes to try and erase the evidence of my tears. "Meredith? What are you doing here?" "I want to know what's going on with you." "I don't know what you mean." "Yes you do, don't play dumb with me Jo, I know you're lying, I have three kids." I didn't respond. She was right after all. "Can I come in?" I nodded quickly as I realised she hadn't actually come inside yet and it was cold outside, she must be freezing. Meredith closed the door behind her and sat on the bed with me. "Talk to me. I'm here for you Jo. I understand dark and twisty better than anyone, there's nothing you could say that change anything." I couldn't meet her eyes just yet, but I watched her take my hand in hers and squeeze it. "I just feel so useless." I found myself mumble. "What do you mean?" "I don't know I just, I'm okay, I'm fine." "Jo, that's bullshit and you know it." "I don't know who I am anymore." I croaked, feeling a lump forming in my throat. I let her pull my limp body into her arms and cried into her chest, it wasn't even subtle, it was loud and hysterical sobbing and honestly, it was rather embarrassing. But it was what I needed. I really needed to cry in someone's arms, I needed to be held, to be understood. "Shh, I got you. It's okay." Meredith tried to soothe me. "You're Jo Wilson, I know exactly who you are."