Unloved (Eric x OC Divergent)

Part XVI: The First Step

-Florence-

I run as fast as my legs can carry me towards where I know Eric will be.
When I enter the infirmary I find Shauna waiting for me, her arms wide open for me to run in to, she knows me so well. I hug her, telling her about Caleb and how well he has helped, leaving out the horrific details about Eric's past for now. When I finish Shauna's message to me is short and clear: "He's been awake for an hour Flo, he's angry at us because you're not here, go in there."
She points towards the room she put Eric in and motions for me to hurry up. I mumble a quick "Thank you" before I hurry myself in to his room.

When I walk in Eric seems to be dumbfounded, looking at me with an anger in his eyes, before he raises his voice to me. "Where were you Florence? I woke up alone! No one wants to tell me where you were!" His face is red out of pure frustration as he leaves his bed to walk up to me.
I'm not sure how to respond at first, not keen on giving away the exact mission I was carrying out before, but not in any mood to take bullshit like this, surely he knows what he did, right? I'm surprised at how his anger seems to be directed at me, how he is now blaming me for not being there when he woke up, instead of facing up to the facts that led him here in the first place. Is he delirious? 

"Shauna did a great job taking care of you." I state as I keep my distance for now, feeling some lingering hurt in me after his outburst. It's enough to send him completely over the edge and his words come out as if he were firing bullets. Not everything reaches me, but some words stick as much as he means them to. "You left me alone!" He yells, adding to the insult with: "You promised me you'd help me, you said you would!" He looks genuinely hurt, topping his rant off with the ultimate stab to my heart: "I needed you."
I feel something snap inside of me, no longer able to hold back what is pounding around in my head: "You shut me out Eric! You chose to shut me out!" All of the pain pours out with my words, leaving me in tears in front of him, holding on to myself to keep from falling apart. For a few moments we both keep quiet, Eric stares at me in disbelief before looking away, seemingly lost in thought. I decide to keep the rest of my thoughts to myself for now, trying not to add fuel to the fire.

"I had to." His words break our silence and again, I feel something inside me snap, before I know it an anger I didn't know I had inside me takes over and confronts him, no holds barred. "No, you absolutely didn't have to! You were safe with me, in our bed, I would have stayed with you for as long as you needed, but you decided that wasn't good enough!" Tears roll down my cheeks when I feel the sharp pain in my chest again, it reminds me of waking up alone in our bed, of feeling him ignore me like I was nothing to him. I can see how hard my words have hit him, his face is pale when he turns to the bed to sit down, avoiding all eye contact with me.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down and come to my senses. Shit, I shouldn't have said that. I look at Eric to find he is sitting very still, staring at the ground, his face blank and devoid of emotions. "I'm sorry Eric, I didn't mean to get angry." My voice comes out shaken, almost pleading, I know he heard me, because I see his jaw clench in frustration. I walk towards him a few steps and he finally looks up to me, the anger in his eyes has subsided, hurt has taken it's place. I'm not sure of what to do, I want to comfort him, but I'm not convinced he wants me anywhere near him right now. The tension is killing me as I wait for him to make up his mind and talk to me, or yell at me, I don't care anymore, anything will do right now.

"Florence?" He breaks the silence, a pained emotion still on his face.
"Yes?"
"Did you mean it? Are you all mine?"
In no way, shape or form did I see this question coming, but I waste no time answering it with a certainty I hope he picks up on: "Yes, I absolutely am all yours." The emotion on his face stays unchanged as he lines up the next question: "Do you really love me?"
I can't wrap my brain around the reason behind these questions, but I decide to not ask and just answer him: "Yes, I do love you." He looks down and thinks for a bit, clenching his hands together, letting out a deep sigh when he formulates a question that seems to be painful for him to ask: "Do you still love me after what I did to myself last night?" His eyes lock on mine again, I can see the question is really eating away at him, tears welling up in his eyes. I walk up to stand in front of him, close enough to touch him and he doesn't back away. "Yes, I do still love you." I reach out my hand to lay it on his and he lets out a deep sigh at the touch. He brings my hand to his mouth and places a kiss on it, pulling me closer until he can wrap his arms around me and bury his face against me.

I feel the tension leaving his body as he is shaking in my arms, quiet sobs leave him as I run my hands over his hair and back, only to pull him closer again when his shivers intensify. I place soft kisses on his cheek and whisper "It's OK love, I'm here, I won't leave again". He doesn't need to say anything in response, the way he pulls me closer speaks volumes to me, his hands holding on to me as if he never wants to let go again. We stay like this until he has calmed down, the pain in my chest subsiding along with his sobs. When he finds the strength to let go of me, he pulls away to look at me, some form of guilt layed out on his face. It gives me the opening to ask what's so harshly pressing on my mind: "What happened yesterday Eric?" I don't let him look away from me again as I pull my fingers underneath his chin softly, redirecting him back to look at me, and he lets me see how much my question has stirred up in him. "I'm sorry love, but I have to know what drove you to this, so I can try to stop it from happening again." My words seem to comfort him, leaving him to take a deep breath before opening up to me.

"I got very scared, scared you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. Scared you would think I was weak or less of a man for losing control like that." I hold his hand for the next part, knowing we'll both need the comfort. "You have to know never has seen me like that, I've never let anyone this close and I doubt myself for it all the time, I doubt if I'm good enough for you, you know I feel like I don't deserve you." I place a soft kiss on his lips before he continues, to make him break away from the spiraling thoughts in his mind. It seems to work as I see him take a deep breath before continuing his events. 

"I guess I decided you deserved better than me and that I would leave you alone to find something better..." the pain returns to his face as he forces out the rest of his sentence "or someone better." I just shake my head at the thought and he carries on.
"The thought of me ruining us, the thought of you finding someone else, the thought of not being able to sleep beside you again..." he stammers. "The thoughts pushed me back into a really dark place, making me hate myself again." He looks down to his hands, a visible reminder of just how badly it got for him. "Nothing eased the pain Florence..." It makes my heart bleed, I don't need to hear more, I put my finger on his lip, indicating him to stop talking.

I take his hands and run my fingers carefully over his bruised knuckles, following my trail over the multitude of bruises on his arms, trying to think of something to say or do to ease the pain he is in. I lift up his shirt to see the bruise that broke my heart yesterday, I look up at him as I run my fingers softly along it as if I was trying to read what happened through touching his skin. He lets out a small sigh and puts his forehead against mine, my need for an answer seems apparent to him as he breaks my train of thoughts by softly saying: "I'm sorry baby, I wish I could say I didn't do that to myself." The words still hit me hard, even though I already knew how the bruises became to be, I don't let him notice and let my hands follow their way along his skin, looking for places that aren't hurt. "I love you." It's the only thing I can think of to say.
"I love you too." His voice is more certain now, he puts his arms around me again to pull me close and kisses my forehead. I lift my head up to kiss his lips and we stay like that for what seems like forever, until he breaks our moment, asking the question I was hoping he would avoid for now. 

"Where were you today Florence?" The words ring through like I'm made of glass. I decide I haven't got the heart to keep anything from him, I want to be honest with him, hoping he will see my actions for what they are: Out of love. I take a deep and necessary breath and take my first step towards the truth:

"I went to Erudite."