Alone Together (Gallavich)

nineteen

mickey

I was once again staying over the Gallaghers for the most part, although it was a little different now. What I had gotten used to as a loud and chaotic house had turned oddly silent and uncomfortable. I wanted to be there with Ian more than anything but it felt like I was the only one who had the same wishes, that or either no one else wanted me there or they didn't want Ian there. It was hard to blame them I guess. Quickly I learned it was incredibly hard to predict Ian's mood. There was no way of knowing if he'd be running around doing chores all day or if he'd even wake up. But still, they were his family. I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't what I found. It's hard to explain but it was like every sibling in that house was holding their breath.

That first night, Ian and I were home alone for about two hours while his family was out. We danced in the hallway outside his bedroom for a little bit until the music turned more upbeat, not fit for simply swaying. We ran around the house for a little, taking the burst of energy a long way as we enjoyed the alone time. At one point, I went downstairs and grabbed some beers for us. When I got back upstairs though the scene had drastically changed. Ian was laying on his bedroom floor just staring at the ceiling, his arms crossed under his head. Doing what I first thought to do, I got down onto the floor and layed right next to him, passing him one of the beers. I opened mine and took a sip but Ian just placed his next to him.

"You alright man?" I asked casually, not wanting to pry or make Ian feel like some kind of patient I was taking care of.

"You think it was my fault?" He answered calmly.

"What was?"

"Ya know, what happened with Kash?"

I was taken aback at the question, mainly because it was a ridiculous question but also because Ian had asked it so relaxed, like it didn't upset him to feel like he was the one to blame or make him angry that it even happened.

"What kind of fucking-"

"I'm serious Mick," he continued, still seeming too unphased by the weight of the question." What would you have done? I mean there had to have been something I could have done to stop it or prevent it altogether, ya know?"

I took another sip of my beer. "No. I really don't know."

"Come on, there has to be something."

"Do you want there to be something?" I asked, trying to figure out where this was all coming from, and more importantly where it was going.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Why the hell would you want that?"

He didn't answer immediately which worried me slightly. If I'm being honest, I was scared. Scared to know what was really going on with Ian. Scared I wouldn't be able to help if it was as bad as Lip had made it seem.

"If I could have done something, even if I didn't do it, maybe," he paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Maybe it'll feel like I had some control. That I wasn't completely weak and useless."

My mind had no response that felt fitting to share. It felt like nothing I could say would help. But maybe Ian didn't even want help. Maybe he just wanted to feel listened to. To have someone who cared enough to let him breathe for once.

I turned my head and kissed his cheek softly, letting my head rest on his shoulder afterwards.

It was really strange to just lay there. I don't know how I got to this point, kissing a guy on his bedroom floor and all, but it felt like all I ever needed, even if the person I wanted to be here with was not totally himself at the time. Somehow, it all still  felt right, like maybe we needed each other and needed to be here. It was scary. I didn't want to let Ian down, but I knew that meant we couldn't hide us anymore and that was just as scary. The world was a fucking evil place and I got stuck with one of the biggest pieces of shits in my own lineage. Kinda fucked me over with no control.