Alone Together (Gallavich)

eight

WARNING: this chapter contains sexual assault/rape. please read at your own comfort.

ian

I stayed in bed for most of Sunday, not really sure what there would have been to do anyway. Mandy texted me a bunch asking if I wanted to hang out but I couldn't bring myself to do so. Going to her house just would not have been the best thing for me and no matter what plans we made, I'd end up there somehow, even if it was to just pick her up or walk her home. Fiona checked on me a few times, bringing me lunch and dinner. We didn't talk much about what had happened on Saturday but there wasn't much to talk about. She knew I needed my own time with this and she made sure she gave that to me. This also wasn't the first time that I spent the day in bed. Sometimes it was about a week til I felt like I could get up. My family kept their distance, making sure I was okay but for the most part I was left alone.

I didn't mind though, I was happy I had time to think without having to interact with other people. Last night I realized that there wasn't much to be upset about anymore. The situation was pretty clean and cut; I wasn't enough, at least for Mickey. Whatever was going on in the boy's head didn't matter because the basic truth was that I was simply not enough for him now. Not enough to entertain him, to make him feel okay with who he was, to let him relax for more than five minutes. Whether he was actually gay or not didn't matter. Whether he liked me the way I liked him didn't matter. No matter how much he yelled at me or kissed me, punched me or held me, I wouldn't be enough.

It sounds sad, and it is, but there's nothing I can do about it at this point. The ball was always in his court and he hasn't wanted to do anything with it. I have no control over what happens next.

I just wish I was enough for him.

The weather hadn't changed much in the last week so I shivered all the way to work. Monday's are the worst; 6 hours in the hell that is school only to be encored by a 4 hour shift at the Kash N' Grab. It's not that I didn't like my job, or school for that matter, but it was slow and tiring. After this weekend in particular I simply did not have the energy to put up with other people. I managed to avoid both Mickey and Mandy today, which was a relief. I don't wanna think about what would have happened if I didn't pull that off. The good news was I was expecting to be home alone for an hour or so when I got home from work. At least I had that to look forward to.

When I got to work, I was met with my boss Kash behind the counter rather than the usual Linda, his wife, who was the real boss around here. He looked really excited to see me, which usually I wouldn't mind, but under today's circumstances, it just made me uncomfortable and instantly more exhausted.

"Hey Ian!"

"Where's Linda," I asked in response, not amused, taking off my jacket and placing it on the hooks beside the front door, ready to get this shift over with.

"Well good to see you too." He got up and came around the counter so that I could take my seat behind the register. When I still wasn't giving him any attention, he answered my initial question, clearly disappointed and maybe even a little annoyed.

"Kids are sick. She took em to the clinic."

I simply nodded, causing him to sigh while rolling his eyes, and turn away into the shelves to stock the new shipments.

~

I looked up at the clock for what felt like the fiftieth time, relieved when it read 6:30, only a half hour left in my shift. Kash had been stocking the shelves the whole time when he wasn't talking to the occasional customer. Every once in awhile I would look up to find him just watching me, not with any particular look on his face, but long stares nonetheless. When he wouldn't look away, I would panic and start rearranging the items that we had placed on the counter. Only thirty more minutes, I told myself, trying to manifest the passage of time somehow. Finally, I was broken out of my trance by Kash coming up to the counter and clearing his throat to get my attention.

"Uh, Ian? Could you come help me with something in the freezers quick?"

I looked up at him, not wanting to get up or interact with anyone, waiting for him to redact his offer. When he didn't, I tried what I could to get out of it.

"What about the customers? Linda'll kill me if I leave the store unattended."

"It'll only take a minute. Lock the front door so we don't have to worry about it."

No way I was getting around this one so I slowly got up, taking a deep breath of exhaustion and locking the front door as I walked back into the freezers, Kash following behind me. I expected to enter the freezers seeing a load of boxes ready to be unpacked in front of me, but nothing seemed wrong. Confused, I turned to ask Kash what he needed but found him locking the freezer with us inside instead.

"Kash, what are y-"

My full weight slammed against the wall of the freezer behind me, Kash's hands tightly around my wrists and his lips against mine. I couldn't breathe. What was happening.

It wasn't like what happened with Mickey and I. It didn't feel good or relaxing or caring. It felt like I was being suffocated, locked in a cage. I tried to push him off, pull my hands free, but I wasn't strong enough. He just kept his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth, keeping me against the wall. This wasn't happening. I tried waking up, tried opening my eyes just to find myself back in my bedroom. But it didn't work. Nothing worked. Just when I thought I could shut my brain off, Kash was pulling my hand away from the wall and putting it over his pants, forcing me to rub against him. Once he finally took his lips off of mine, I let out a small whimper, realizing I was crying. I could feel his mouth find a place on my neck as I tried to scream, failing miserably at it.

"Kash please," I cried.

It didn't make a difference. There was no getting out of this. My legs were numb, My wrists were numb, my lips were numb... I was numb. I hadn't even realized it when Kash turned me around, my cheek pressed hard against the cold freezer wall now in front of me. He had placed my hands on his hips as his right hand found its way in my pants, his other unbuckling his own. Before I knew it, both our pants were down fully, my hands back at my sides and his hands on my bare hips. I tried to turn my brain off. I tried to just disappear until it was over, but I was stuck there, my face coming off the cold wall and hitting right back into it with every unwanted thrust. He was saying something to me, or maybe just in general, but I couldn't hear it. The loud ringing in my ears was too much to overcome. His fingertips clawed at my hips, most likely drawing blood, showing that somehow I was still alive through this. How was I not dead yet?

When it was over, I didn't move. I could feel Kash walk away from me, leaving the freezer, but I just stood there, my body still pressed up against the wall, my pants still on the floor. I was crying but I couldn't feel it at that point. I couldn't feel much really.

Somehow I was out of the store and turning the corner, my pants back on but no jacket. I was walking towards my house but I didn't know I was. All I could know, all I was aware of in that very moment, was that I was cold. I just wanted to be warm. That wasn't something I could get at the Kash N' Grab. It wasn't something I could fix at my house or Mickey's house. I certainly wasn't going to find it in Chicago.

Soon I was at a bus station, a jacket and backpack on me, and a little piece of paper folded in my hand that I had found in Fiona's sock drawer. I walked over to the nearest telephone booth, unfolding the message in my hand. I put three quarters in the machine and picked up the phone.

3-1-4-2-8-6-0-5-8-0.

After a few rings, it finally picked up, a woman's voice on the other line.

"Hello?"

"Mom?"