Leo explains right off the bat that he's a fairly busy person and we will have to figure out times to meet after school for ASL practice as we go, but he still gives me his phone number so he can let me know when he has free time. His phone number. Um . . . HELL YES. I'm so giddy about it, it takes every ounce of strength I have not to start trying to strike up a text conversation right away. Still, I shoot him a quick message on the bus ride home. I mean, why not, right?
ME: Hey, it's Erik Morris from TDS! I just wanted to say thanks again for agreeing to help me practice my Sign! I am soooo excited to get started!
My heartrate spikes even more when he responds almost immediately.
LEO: Sure thing :) I'll let you know when I have some time ASAP
ME: Awesomeeee! Can't wait!
He doesn't respond back to this one, and after staring at my screen for a couple minutes, waiting, like some imbecile under hypnosis, I decide to put my phone away to try and cool some of my excitement-related anxiety about the whole thing. See, here's the thing: I know I have autism. If you know the signs, it's obvious. Thing is most people don't know the signs because they know little-to-nothing about autism, let alone high-functioning ASD. So, to the majority of people in our society, I tend to come across as weird, annoying or both. Generally, both.
While my form of ASD is rare and significantly affects my visual-spatial information processing ability, my language/word processing ability is actually very good. I do have some issues with communication and am still pretty awkward, but I get by just fine. Now, when it comes to general social interaction . . . Nope. Not too great. I know what to look out for and that I can come across as weird, awkward, annoying or too much pretty easily, but I have a limited ability to pick up on the social queues people tend to send when they are feeling annoyed or overwhelmed by me.
I know what some of the queues are: like the classic things people say and whatnot, but I just can't read them in the moment, if that makes sense. The worst part is there's no way to teach to me. It's like trying to teach me how not to be so literal—my brain just doesn't want to grasp it, or just can't. Summed up: I've improved about as much as I can. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt this anxious about my autism getting in the way of something. I've had crushes and gone on dates and stuff before, sure—but Leo is something so totally different. Something out-of-this-world. And I'm just so fucking scared I'm going to screw it up unintentionally by—well, by being me.
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Alterity
Teen Fiction15-year-old Erik Morris is beginning his freshman year of high school at The Ducharme School: a specialty school, following being held back the previous year due to struggles with learning disabilities. Despite initially feeling entirely alone, Erik...
