Alterity

Chapter Thirty-One

Erik makes it clear right away that if we're going to talk, he wants it to be face-to-face, not through text. We make a plan to have lunch together the next afternoon at school, so, of course, I am anxious as hell all day long. By the time lunch finally rolls around, I practically sprint to the cafeteria to grab my food—Erik requested to eat together in the library since we'll have much more space. Since Erik is a SPED student, he's allowed to eat in the library should he request to. This is to prevent sensory overload in students with ASD or something. Either way, it's nice to be able to have some space.

I'm pushing my food around my tray—too anxious to eat—when Erik enters the library. Backpack swung over one shoulder, he slowly makes his way over to my table. He lets his bookbag slide down his arm and onto the floor as he sits down across from me.

"Hey," I say, making an effort to smile to try and hide my anxiety.

Erik returns the smile and gives me a small wave. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"A lot of things," I say. "But first I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I ghosted you like I did. A lot happened."

I swallow, the sides of my dry throat rubbing together like sandpaper. "My dad found out about us and he-" I trail off. "Well, he took my phone."

Erik opens his mouth a little in surprise.

"Oh," he says. "Oh wow."

"Yeah," I say. "He said that if I kept seeing you that he'd send me to a mainstream school to read lips all day."

"Shit," says Erik, leaning back in his chair. "I'm sorry that happened to you."

"Thanks. But yeah, Maya—my sister—stole my phone back for me so that's why I texted you last night."

Erik raises his eyebrows. "Wait, wait. I'm confused."

"About what?" I ask.

"About what you just said."

"Oh, sorry," I say. "Maya stole my phone back for me, so-"

"No, I got that part," Erik interrupts. "But I don't understand what getting your phone back changed that made you suddenly want to talk to me again."

My heartrate picks up. "What do you mean?"

"Leo, you didn't just ghost me," says Erik, leaning forward a bit—his facial expressions becoming more irritated as he signs. "Every time I tried to talk to you at school, you either pretended I wasn't there or were just fucking rude."

I bite my lip to keep it from quivering. "I know."

"See why I'm confused?" Erik asks. "I'm not sure what you getting your phone back changed for you that made you decide you wanted me in your life again."

"I always wanted you in my life," I say. "I was just scared because of my dad and didn't know what to do."

Erik nods as if he understands but the mixture of anger and pain on his face is as prominent as ever.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I'm so fucking sorry."

He looks at me for a moment and a small sad smile crosses his lips. "Thanks for saying sorry—and thanks for sharing what happened with your dad with me. I do forgive you."

I break out in a huge grin and start to tear up out of sheer happiness alone.

"Thank god!" I say. "I was so scared!"

Erik smiles. "No need to be scared—I'm not a scary guy."

"I know, I know," I say. "But I just don't understand how someone like me could have gotten so lucky. You are probably the best boyfriend on earth."

Erik scrunches his eyebrows in such a perplexed manner that you'd think I'd told him that I'm a flat-earther or something.

"Leo," he says, making the briefest eye-contact. "We're not boyfriends anymore."

All the air leaves my lungs and my heart seems to literally drop into my stomach. A lump forms in my throat and by the warmth in my cheeks, I'm guessing I have blushed a shade of deep scarlet.

"Wait, what?" I say, genuinely confused and heartbroken. "But—But you said you'd be there when I was ready."

"That was months ago!" He says. "And I am here, aren't I?"

"Well, yeah . . . I just thought-"

"That we'd go back to how things were before and pretend that none of this ever happened? Fuck no!"

"But why?" I say, a little too childishly.

"Because you were a fucking asshole to me!" He says, the anger having returned to his face.

A bit of anger begins to build in me as well. "I told you what happened!"

"And I appreciate that," says Erik. "But that doesn't excuse how badly you treated me anytime you saw me."

"I was just scared," I repeat.

"And I get that, Leo. I do. But believe it or not, your behavior affected my emotions as well. If I wasn't having an anxiety attack, I was crying my fucking eyes out because I didn't understand how someone I loved so much—and that I thought loved me—could suddenly wish I didn't exist."

"Erik," I say, tears threatening to spill over. "I didn't mean any of it."

He chews on his lip and I realize that he's trying his hardest not to cry as well.

"I understand if you don't want me in your life anymore," I say.

Erik—eyes bloodshot—meets my gaze and takes me by total surprise by gently taking my hand. He gives it a weak squeeze and lets go.

"Of course, I want you in my life," he says. "I just—I'm not ready to be boyfriends again right now."

"That's ok," I say, unbelievably relieved that he—at the very least—still wants me in his life in some way, proving he does truly forgive me.

"Your Sign has gotten a bit rusty," I say. "Want to start practicing together again?"

Erik laughs and shakes his head. "You're unbelievable, you know that?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Erik shakes his head again, an adorable smile stretching across face.

"Nothing," he says. "But yeah—that's a good place to start."