Alterity

Chapter Sixteen

The next day, I spontaneously invite Leo to come over to my house after school to further practice ASL. I've been spending every moment of free time learning and practicing my Sign on my own and the occasional video chat with Leo, so my basic conversational skills are enough that I don't feel I'd need to write anything down. 

He just sort of stares at me. "To your house?" 

"Yes. Well, it's an apartment, but yeah."

"I don't know." He says. "I'm so awkward meeting parents."

"They won't be there." I say. "My mom is gonna be spending the night at the hospital with Aiden and my Dad is still out of town on business."

"Oh." Leo says, his eyes finding the floor. "So, we'd be alone?"

I nod. "That ok?"

He blushes a warm shade of pink. "Yeah, that's fine."

Leo texts his parents to let them know that he is going to be studying after school with a friend and following their approval, takes the train and bus with me back to my apartment. I'm a little bit embarrassed to bring him inside, to be honest. I don't know for certain what walks of life Leo comes from, but I feel confident his family has more money than mine does. Hands shaking slightly, I unlock the door and we step inside.

"This is nice!" He says.

I shrug my shoulders. "Thanks. My room is over here."

He nods and follows closely behind me, looking over his shoulder at the occasional photograph hanging on the wall. He stops when he sees Aiden's school picture from this year, picking it up and pointing to it.

"Is this Aiden?!" He says.

I smile. "Yeah!"

"He's so cute!" Says Leo.

I laugh. "I know! You've gotta meet him some day!"

"I hope to." He says, setting the photo back down.

Ok, so my room is like a little shoebox. It's very small, is my point. There's a twin bed along the wall, a doorless closet, small nightstand and then the door to go in and out and that's it. No room to walk--only sidle. So Leo ends up sitting cross-legged on the bed opposite me. It's funny, I haven't noticed until now but he actually smells really good—like he wears a very small amount of cologne on his clothes.

"Your Sign has gotten much better," he says, after a short pause. "I'm impressed!"

"Thanks." I say, blushing. "For all your help up until now and being so nice."

Leo smiles. "Course."

We sit hardly a foot apart from each other and I have that deep feeling of pressure in my chest that comes with both attraction and deep affection: The kind of pressure where each heartbeat seems to meet a slight resistance. The thought has occurred to me that I don't even know for certain that he's not straight, but I do have a feeling that my hunch is accurate. He looks at me with those deep brown eyes and raises his eyebrows in that way he sometimes does—as I'm sure I've been staring.

"What?" He says, a slightly crooked—but goofy—grin going up his face. His dimples more noticeable than ever.

I smile. "Nothing."

Without warning, I gently reach out and run my fingers through his messy curls. He leans forward slightly so that our foreheads are pressing against each other. My hand falls to his shoulder, before finding his cheek. He looks at me and we make eye contact for the briefest moment and then he's kissing me. It's amazing. He puts his hand up to my temple, running his fingers through my hair like I did his, and we start softly making out. My heart is beating so hard, I worry it may explode.

When it stops, Leo looks up at me again, his eyes both wide and a little bit teary. In the quiet of the empty apartment and how close we are, I can hear both his deep breathing and his rapid heartbeat. He gives his head a slight shake, scoots back a few inches and buries his face in his hands.

I tap him on the arm, waving my hand slightly to get his attention. After a minute he looks up, eyes wetter than before.

"Oh." I say aloud, in my surprise. "Are you okay?" I say, this time remembering to Sign.

He shrugs and shakes his head, rubbing his eyes. "I don't know. I'm just sorry. I don't know why I did that."

"Sorry? I loved that." I say. "No need to be sorry."

He smiles a little but I can see that he's still strongly resisting the urge to start crying.

"It's ok!" I say. "I promise!"

Leo nods, the tears starting to trickle down his cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I ask. And then it dawns on me. "Oh, are you not out?"

He shakes his head. "Only a couple of my friends know."

"Oh ok," I say. "So, your family doesn't know?"

"That I'm gay?" He says. "No. My dad would kill me if he knew."

That's something I've fortunately never had to worry about. Don't get me wrong, my dad can be a dick sometimes, but he's in no way abusive or hateful. It always throws me when I hear people like Leo saying how their parents would lose their minds if they knew something as simple as who they are attracted to. These are the kinds of situations where I am not sure what to say and my social shortcomings tend to start becoming more noticeable.

"I'm sorry," I say. "Can I help?"

Leo smiles through his silent tears. "No. Thanks though."

"Ok. Sorry, I'm not sure what to say."

"You're fine," says Leo. "And don't feel bad, I kissed you because I wanted to—and I like you."

My heart-rate picks up again. "Really?"

He nods, "Yes . . . But here's the problem: My family doesn't know about me. So, if we dated or something, I couldn't be announcing it, you know?"

My mouth sort of drops open, hanging on only a few of his words. "You'd date me?"

Leo laughs, "Of course, I would—but we'd have to keep it sort of private."

"That's fine!" I say.

He raises his eyebrows. "Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes! I can be private--I don't mind."

He smiles a little.

I gently wipe the last of the tears from his cheeks with my fingertips, making small streaking patterns across his soft skin. Cute, awkward little patterns--like child fingerprints on a window during a rainstorm.

"So . . . With that being said." I say. "Do you want to go out with me?"

He looks down for a second and then nods. "Yeah."