Alterity

Chapter Twenty-Seven

            That night, my dreams are plagued with all different scenarios and events—of both fantasy and pure, petrification-inducing terror—involving my relationships with the closest people in my life. One minute I'm back sitting on my bed—face-to-face with a grinning Leo, whose dimpled smile has me in a blushing daze—and the next I am standing over Aiden's open casket, wailing with anguish; Marley holding me in a death-grip to keep me from rushing to Aiden—just to try one last time to revive his small, lifeless body.

            It's a night of those back-to-back dreams or nightmares that feel like an eternity. As in, by the time I wake up at 3:32am—drenched in a cold sweat—it feels as though I was asleep for weeks, despite my falling asleep barely three hours before. I toss the sweat-soaked sheets off my body, peel off my tank top—that is sticking to my skin at this point—and change out of my pajama pants into a pair of basketball shorts, pressing my forehead against the window in front of the AC unit, letting the cold air slowly pull me from the clutches of the panic-fueled hot flash.

            When I've cooled down enough that the dizziness subsides, I make my way to Aiden's room—the nightmare of his lifeless body still fresh in my mind—and open the door as slowly as I am able. Aiden, who is asleep on his side—his face facing me—manages to hear the slight creak of the bedroom door and blinks his eyes every-so-slightly open.

            "Eh..." He says, still half asleep.

            I smile and sit on the bed next to him, tussling his hair.

"Yeah, it's Eh," I say. "Sorry did Eh wake you up?"

Aiden sits up a little and—eyes still partially closed—pats my stomach with his hand. "Mnah mnah?"

"No, it's not time for breakfast yet." I say. "I just wanted to check on you—sorry I woke you up, buddy. Want a head scratch?"

He nods. "Ah."

"You got it," I smile.

I run my fingers gently through his messy hair, lightly scratching his head just the way he likes.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, buddy." I whisper, still scratching Aiden's head. "I think about Leo all the time and I care so much for him but . . . I don't know. The way he treats me lately . . . It's got me thinking that maybe Marley is right. Maybe I do deserve better."

"Ah, Eh-Eh." Says Aiden, his eyes now closed.

I chuckle. "Hi to you too."

I shift from scratching to lightly massaging Aiden's head and face—which is one of his favorite things in the world, especially when you rub his temples. "I guess I'm just stuck," I continue.

"I know something big went down with Leo and that's what has him acting like this . . . But I don't know. I mean, I can understand emotional pain and the irritability that can go with it, but I've never brushed someone off so harshly because of it like Leo's been doing with me. But I don't want to give up on him either, you know?"

"Ah," Says Aiden.

"Right? See, you get where I'm coming from. Everything in me wants to just say 'whatever' and give up on Leo . . . But my gut says that's not the right answer. I'm not one that often gets 'gut feelings,' so that's what's really nagging at me."

I sigh and look down at Aiden, who—with one thumb in his mouth and somewhat squinted eyes—is looking up at me as if I am the most fascinating person on earth.

"What do you think?" I ask. "Should I go with my gut here? Or just give it up?"

"Eh," Says Aiden.

"Yes, Erik," I say, tussling his hair again. "But what do you think, buddy? Go with my gut? Yes or no?"

Aiden licks his lips and sniffs, eyes scanning the room and the glow-in-the-dark plastic stars along the ceiling. When his gaze finds its way back to me, he does his goofy little smile and gives one aggressive nod. "Ah!" He says.

I nod my head too. "Yeah," I say. "Go with my gut it is. I mean what more is there to lose anyway, right?"

"Ah," Says Aiden.

I kiss him on the cheek. "I love you so much, you know that?"

"Ah, Eh-Eh," says Aiden, sleepily reaching his hands up to give my face a bunch of his awkward kisses.

I laugh and tuck him back into bed. "Now, how about I finally stop talking and let you sleep?"

"Ah!" He says, moving his little body under the blankets to find the most comfortable position he can.

"You got it," I say, giving him one more cheek kiss.

Keeping my word, I stay silent—just giving Aiden his beloved head scratches—and he is fast asleep in less than fifteen minutes. I stay seated on the side of his bed for a few minutes longer though, looking up at the plastic stars on the ceiling and start thinking up some ideas of how to confront Leo—and what I'm going to do if it fails.