Alterity

Chapter Nineteen

Over the next few weeks, things take a huge turn. One second, Erik and I are hanging out every chance we get and it's pretty amazing, and then the next he's like a ghost. I kept thinking that maybe I'd done something to upset him, but then I remembered his autism-level bluntness and that he's in no way the silent type when it comes to something that's bothering him. So, this was just bizarre.

After bailing on me a couple times, I reached out to him through text and that's when he told me about his little brother, Aiden, being in the hospital. I felt like such a shithead for thinking it had anything to do with me. See, that's how I get with my anxiety sometimes and I hate it—so wrapped up in my own worries that I've done something wrong that I fail to see the actual struggle that the other person is going through. It's something I'm trying so hard to work on but it's not easy at all.

Anyway, up until then, Erik had only mentioned Aiden a handful of times. I knew he was his younger brother and that he had autism too, but I didn't fully understand the extent of it, or have any idea what functioning meant or anything. After I found out about Aiden being in the hospital for lead poisoning, I did some research on all that stuff and it opened my eyes a lot. I have a lot more sympathy and respect now for the community of people at The Ducharme School that I had previously felt so isolated from—and more so I felt even more respect and admiration towards Erik, and his incredible acceptance of his own autism spectrum disorder.

The only positive—not to sound inconsiderate—that came out of Aiden being away from home for a spell, was that Erik's parents were also out of the apartment a lot, so he invited me over. One second we're talking, then Erik is gently running his fingers through my hair and along my neck . . . and I don't even know how to describe how I felt in that moment. My heart felt like it was going to erupt out of my chest, it was beating so hard. The lump in my throat was so massive, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't swallow it back down. I reached out and I touched him and felt something I can honestly say that I've never before experienced.

Next thing I knew, I had closed my eyes and was kissing him. Making out soon followed. It was simple, though. Gentle. Erik's tongue against my own—ever-so-slightly entering my mouth—while his hand rested on my shoulder, sent a wave of amazing chills through my body, my arms being instantly covered in goosebumps. As incredible as the experience was, it was sadly over way too quick, and once it was, reality slapped me in the face again.

I talked to Erik and explained that while I did like him very much, that there was no way I could go announcing anything to do with my sexual orientation. Look, I know I'm gay. I both realized that and accepted it within the last year, but I had yet to ever do anything. I told a couple really close friends and that was it. My parents—Dad in particular—are not too fond of anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. Like, at all. If they found out I was dating a guy, it'd be all over for me—without a doubt. Shockingly though, Erik said he was ok with this and that he still wanted to go out with me. And of course, I said yes.

Even now, I'm still in shock about the whole thing, to be honest. As soon as I got home that night, I went straight to bed, turned off all the lights and lied down, eyes closed, running my fingers through my hair and imagining it was him again.