Angel Wings and Demon Pitchforks

36. It Burns

Sam looked down at the amulet. Dean must have given it to Cas. Sam bolted over to their room and threw open the door. Dean was standing near the dresser, leaning against it on his elbows.

"Dean-" Sam started, unsure of how he should treat this. Dean lashed out quickly, sending the photo frames, lamp and other bits and bobs from the dresser flying into the wall. He was breathing heavily but his chest was shaking. "Dean--" Sam repeated, "Dean what happened?" Dean turned around, fear in his eyes.

"I'm fine," His voice cracked.

"Sure you are." Sam walked closer slowly. "Dean, what did you do to Cas?"

"I didn't do anything!" Dean exclaimed. "He was the one who kissed me!" Sam's eyes widened.

"Hang on," Sam said slowly, "Cas kissed you and you, what? You started yelling at him?"

Dean's eyes flashed with guilt. "I told him to leave."

"Dean! What's wrong with you?!" Sam lifted his arms in exclamation. "Cas put his heart out on the line and you broke it! Here," Sam handed his brother the amulet, "Cas gave this back." It was like the dam broke; Dean fell to the floor in sobs that grew louder every second. "Dean--"

"It--" Dean heaved a breath between the gross sobs, "It hurts, Sammy. It hurts."

"What does?" Sam knelt in front of him and placed the amulet to the side.

"My ch-chest, it hurts." Sam was confused.

"You're going to have to be more specific, are you talking metaphorically or literally?"

"It burns," Dean cried and wrapped his arms around his knees, bringing them closer to his chest. Sam realised, in that second, that Dean was talking about the burning of the birthmark.

"Oh, Dean," Sam sighed and brought his older brother in for a hug. "You've messed up big time, haven't you?" Dean let out a sob. "Cas is your soulmate and you broke his heart."

"Dad's going to kill me," Dean mumbled. Sam drew back.

"Dean, Dad's dead." 

"He's going to rip my throat out." Dean started rocking. "He's going to be so mad. My soulmate's a boy. My soulmate's a boy. I'm in love with a boy," He repeated, whispering it to himself. He collapsed back into his tears, but this time they were quieter. His chest shook frantically.

It scared Sam how vulnerable Dean was right now. He had always been the strong one, the brave one. Someone Sam could look up to. It never occurred to Sam how much weight Dean carried, from what their Dad had told them and from what he put on himself. He'd always been the person to hold the family together, but right now, he couldn't even keep himself from breaking.

Sam did what he could to console his brother. He stroked his back and muttered words of encouragement. This had always been Dean's job. Whenever Sam had a nightmare, whenever Michael's cries got too loud, it was always Dean who comforted him. It was always Dean who rubbed his back and told him it was going to be okay. How the tables had turned.

Dean's breathing grew steady after about ten minutes of rocking back and forth. That's when they heard the front door open and Ellen call out that she was home.

"Dean, are you okay now?" Sam asked, pulling away. Dean nodded and wiped his face on his sleeve.

"I'm great Sammy, thanks." He forced a smile.

"You need to talk to him, Dean."

"I... I know."

"You're going to have to apologise. Make it up to him."

"I don't know how, Sammy," Dean whispered. "How do you tell someone - your best friend - that you... you know, like them but you... I don't know... I don't want to date him. I'm scared Sammy. I don't want a soulmate. I've never wanted a soulmate." Sam didn't know how to answer that.

"I don't know either Dean," Sam whispered, "You're going to need to figure it out yourself. But I'm always here for you, remember?"

"When did you grow up so fast?" Dean smiled sadly.

"You never noticed because you kept seeing 'Sammy'. I'm Sam now," He smiled, "I have a boyfriend, I'm a straight-A student on my way to Harvard and I'm comforting my older brother. I don't think you're allowed to call me Sammy anymore."

"I'll always call you Sammy," Dean leant into Sam's shoulder, a wave of exhaustion passing over his eyes, "Because you'll always be my baby brother."

"I love you, Dean."

Dean closed his eyes but didn't say anything; he didn't need to. Sam knew.

——

Dean sat in silence, the only movement was his fingers over the amulet. Sam had left half-an-hour ago for a date with Gabriel. Dean could still feel Cas's lips on his. He could still feel his knuckles hitting Cas's jaw. He could still feel the burning on his chest.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't love Cas. Every time he closed his eyes he could see his father's disappointed face. He could still hear Michael's cries from the night that he had told them that he had a boyfriend. Dean could still feel the branding iron on his chest when he tried to defend his brother.

Dean couldn't come home with a boyfriend. Not when Michael and Sam were gay. John would kill them all. He needed to be the one to protect them, he needed to be the one who made his father proud so John would be in a better mood. A better mood meant he was less likely to remember Michael.

Dean decided with a heavy heart that he couldn't be with Cas. He didn't want a boyfriend. He didn't want a soulmate. He stood slowly, the amulet hanging from his fist.

Lisa was a nice girl, he should give her a call. John liked it when Dean came home with a girlfriend. He walked over to the door and held the amulet over the bin next to the desk. Dean would apologise to Cas if he got the chance. The amulet hit the bottom of the bin with a clink. He loved Cas, but he didn't want to disappoint his dad again. Not like Michael. He wouldn't turn out like Michael. Dean took his phone out of his pocket and searched for Lisa's contact. She picked up after the third tone.

"Dean?"

"Hi Lisa," Dean said as confidently as he could. "Are you doing anything tomorrow night?"

"No, not at the moment."

"Would you like to go out with me?"

There was a beat of silence.

"Sure." He could hear her smile.

"Cool, I'll pick you up at five. I just heard about this really nice restaurant just out of town."