Angel Wings and Demon Pitchforks

45. The Name Michael

tw: homophobia

Michael.

The name Michael tended to have many different meanings to many different people. You see Michael is a very common name. I'm sure you know a Michael, maybe even two. But to Lucifer the name Michael meant love.

When he was nine he had been adopted into the Novak family. He was the oldest but newest member of the family. There were three biological children and one toddler; all of which welcomed him into their home.

He continued to go by the name 'Lucifer' because he thought it was cool and badass. He also relished in the idea that the grandmother hated the name and insisted on calling him 'Nicolas'.

One night at a family dinner, the subject of soulmarks was brought up. Grandma Novak was being her normal self, fawning over each of the sons' birthmarks and how they were going to make "lovely husbands" to the "best of women" one day. At the time, Zach, Balthazar, Gabriel didn't understand what that meant. Zach was five; Balth four; Gabriel three. But they were all eager to show off the little red marks on their chests and receive praise from their grandmother.

"Show us yours, Nicolas," Grandma Novak insisted.

"Karen," Becky said, bouncing baby Alfie on her knee, "he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to."

But Lucifer did want to. He wanted to be part of the Novak family. So he pulled his shirt over his head and showed off the strange soulmark made up of a triangle, a few lines and a circle. It didn't mean anything to him. But apparently it meant something to Grandma Novak.

"A Christian symbol!" She cried. "It's a sign that all is not lost from this child. He will find his way back to the right path."

Lucifer furrowed his eyebrows and looked down at his chest. It was just a bunch of shapes; it didn't mean anything. How could it be a sign?

"What does it mean?" Chuck asked, peering closer.

"It's the symbol for the archangel Michael," Grandma Novak explained. "It means goodness, protection and strength."

And so began Lucifer's search for an angel.

At first, he thought it meant that his soulmate was going to be really Christian, and that didn't sit right for him. But then, as he grew older and more in tune with his feelings, Lucifer realised the obvious truth: his soulmate's name was Michael.

That meant every Michael he met was potentially The One. It put a lot of pressure on first impressions.

It wasn't until he was sixteen when he met a Michael who  he believed whole heartedly was his soulmate. Michael Walsh. Top of the year, incredibly smart and very handsome. It didn't take long for Lucifer to become friends with him.

They were best friends. Thick as thieves. And Lucifer really did believe his search was over. This was his angel. This was his Michael. He was totally and completely in love.

Then he had to go and mess it up.

That was something he always tended to do.

They were watching 10 Things I Hate About You. They had the house to themselves. Heath Ledger was singing 'I Love You, Baby'; everything about the situation was perfect.

"Come on, Mike," Lucifer laughed, pulling his friend off the couch and pretending to be 'cool' and 'collected'.

"Oh, it's not Walsh anymore?" Michael followed him up, also laughing. "Are we on a first name basis now?"

"I think we are," Lucifer pulled him forward by the waist. Mike's hands found their place on Lucifer's collar. "Dance with me," he whispered.

"Oh, Novak," Michael breathed, their lips millimetres apart. "I don't dance to this song."

Lucifer smiled. He leaned in and almost kissed him, but Mike pulled away.

"Lucifer--" He started, and Lucifer felt his stomach flip. He frowned, but Mike moved his hands up to his neck. "I like you," Mike affirmed quickly. "But my dad, my friends... I'm not ready to come out."

Lucifer was too infatuated to care.

"We can take it slow," he said, "we don't have to tell anyone. It can be our secret."

Mike nodded. "Okay."

And that's how it was for three months. They didn't kiss; Michael was too scared about what that could mean for his future. But Lucifer meant it when he said they could take it slow. He believed so strongly that this was his soulmate, so he was willing to wait one hundred years for one kiss if it meant he could spend those hundred years with Michael.

Then everything went wrong. So terribly wrong that Lucifer's brain literally blocked it out and even to this day he cannot remember the whole story.

Michael was found out.

It was his friend that first made the connection between him and Lucifer. And he confronted Michael about it in front of everyone. In the middle of the hall. In the middle of the day. With Lucifer watching.

"You gay or something?" Michael's friend jeered. Others around - who didn't know Mike or Lucifer or anything about them - snickered and whispered. Mike's irises shrunk to dots and his fists clenched. Lucifer heard his breath turn short. Out of instinct - pure, natural instinct because this was his soulmate who was in trouble - he took Michael's hand.

"Duuuuude," another one of Michael's friends said, "you should have warned us. You slept over at my house. Who knows what you were thinking."

The gathering crowd laughed. Michael snatched his hand back and held it against his chest. Then he started backing away from Lucifer.

"Mike," Lucifer whispered, because everything was out of control and he was sorry and he wanted to make it all better.

"Don't touch me!" Michael exclaimed. Then he used The word. And everyone laughed harder. Some people shoved Lucifer into the locker, repeating That word. "You think you can hold my hand? I ain't like you!"

"Is he harassing you?" Michael's friend - the one who had started all of this - asked. Lucifer watched, horrified, as Mike nodded.

"Yeah, man, he just keeps forcing himself on me. I've told him so many times to stop. There must be something wrong with his head."

Then someone threw a punch. It sent Lucifer into the locker again. He bounced and next thing he knew he was on the floor, being kicked and spat on. He took it. Just lay there, hands  over his head, and let them do it. Because none of it could even come close to hurting as much as his broken heart did. 

After that, he kept his head low. Eventually he convinced his parents to let him move to the school across the lake, the one Raphael went to. The rumours followed him, but the people at the new school didn't care. So he embraced it. He stuck a rainbow patch on his backpack and decided to be proud of who he was. To move on from Michael and the pain those memories brought. Because screw him.

But then came Michael Winchester. He walked in with his stupid hair and his stupid face and he said stupid things and Lucifer fell. But he did it again. He ruined it again. He messed up, and now Michael was gone. His Michael was gone.

The name Michael meant so many things to Lucifer. But right now it meant pain.