The Book of Random

The Nutcracker: A Lynn Kellam Commentary

Merry Christmas everyone!

Since I haven't written or read anything really horrible for the last couple months (well except for writing stuff I can't post here because of possible publishing opportunities), I thought I'd ruin the beloved original tale that everyone is dragged to see every year, but no one really knows the story.

Yes, that's right. I'm writing a Nutcracker commentary. This is my Christmas gift to you all this year. Enjoy!

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So we start out with a preface, as all good stories have. Yes, it's almost as good as a prologue.

The narrator is forced to tell the story of the Nutcracker because he was tied up in true Gulliver's Travels style. I'm not making this up, that's an actual allusion in the book.

Having settled that, Dumas begins his tale.

A judge lives in Nuremberg. Yep, it's German. He has two kids: a brat and an angel. Yes, their character traits do not change at all during this story.

It's Christmas Eve and the Silberhaus are extremely spoiled children. Yes, the author felt the need to say that. They get the most toys out of any other child.

After THREE PAGES OF DROSSELMEYER BACKSTORY, the children wait anxiously for the doors to open and the Christmas tree reveal.

Also Fritz is the older child in the original. I understand why they changed that in later adaptations. You can't have the older child stealing toys from the younger. That's just not realistic! *hides dolls she "borrowed" from her younger sister when she was young*

The Christmas tree is finally revealed. Mary (yep, not Clara. That was a change for the ballet, I believe) cried two liquid pearls of joy. Yes, that is an actual line. I can't make this stuff up. 

Drosselmeyer arrives. This guy is so annoying. He pretends to be all mystical and such. ADAPTATIONS I'VE SEEN HAVE GIVEN HIM BETTER BACKSTORY. He gives the kids a mechanical house, which has lords and ladies and whatnot walking and parading around inside. The kids grow tired of this, because the things in the house can only do one thing. Drosselmeyer is offended, obviously, so he smashes it before their eyes and burns the pieces in the - wait, sorry, that's wrong. He is offended, but the kids' parents talk him out of taking it away. Figures.

But now, the moment you've all been waiting for! Mary...finds...the Nutcracker!

And we're immediately hit with four pages of exposition about its appearance and Mary being entrusted to its care, because she fell in love with it.

Then...her mean, nasty older brother stole it and broke it. Older siblings, am I right?

But he doesn't stop there. He demands the Nutcracker go on cracking nuts, even when wounded, and he tortures the wooden man. Mary screams for help. Drosselmeyer puts a stop to it. Mary is deemed sole caregiver for the nutcracker.

Wow, see what I mean about this being way more messed up than the adaptations? And this wasn't written by the Brothers Grimm!

Anyway, after yelling at Drosselmeyer (okay, she didn't yell because she's an angel), Mary is put to bed. Because she's seven years old (yes, this is important later on), she talks to her dolls and makes them give up their beds for the nutcracker. 

Just like the ballet, she see Drosselmeyer on the clock. Then, the mice show up, the Mouse King appears, and the battle is fought. 

I'm assuming many of you have seen the ballet (or fallen asleep during it) so I won't go into too much detail. It's basically the same...except it takes twelve pages and not much happens. MK yells a few things, Nutcracker yells back, and...yeah. It's over pretty quick. Mary does throw a slipper at the King though.