LUMOS | 1 | [ON HOLD]

train rides and sortings

A/N
I'm trying to keep this chapters less dark but we all know they had such a twisted and tragic story.

It was starting to get dark. Sirius expected them to be at Hogwarts in an hour. All of the boys had changed earlier and now they were just relaxing. Remus was engaged with a conversation about Quiditch with James. He started to think about what Remus had said earlier. How had he came out and said he was gay so calmly? And yet, how did he know? they were only eleven - this was a big topic. But then again, he did sound quite intelligent and, if he were honest, there was something there. He seemed...different. So he told himself as long as it made him happy, he didn't care what it was.

They made eye contact for a second. Remus have him a sweet smile before turning back to James. Was he gay? No..being gay was...wrong..no...it was okay. He decided to brush these thoughts off for now he had years to question his life at Hogwarts..why worry now when he hadn't even started.

"Remus," Peter said.
"Mhhmm," he replied, his words muffled by his robe sleeve that was currently covering his mouth as he focused intently on a game of cards.
"Where'd you get your scars?" He asked causing Sirius and James to glare at him, they might have not known Remus a long time but they could already tell he was sensitive and not really sociable.
Remus dropped the chess piece he had in his hand on the floor before mumbling an apology. "I think I need the bathroom..see you soon," And he ran out of the compartment .
"Great! Thanks Pete! We barely know the kid...nor each other and you've gone and ruined it," James groaned.

Sirius tried not to panic himself...he was just going to the bathroom...that's all.

***

Remus had to leave. He had only just met these boys and they had been so kind to him. He couldn't lose them already.

He was so young and fragile...yet so old. He hated it when adults told him to get over it and told him he was just 'having a bad day' just because he was going and they didn't think he could really understand emotions properly.

He was only nine when he first cut. Being quite the curious young man (this sometimes didn't help in situations like this) decided one night he would research the reasons why he felt the way he did. Sad.Angry.Lost.Lonely. He had soon realised he had many symptoms of depression and social anxiety. It scares him. Key word 'scares' - it still does. Even though he was really,really smart, he didn't know what was happening to him. Most of the time his parents were not home so..being the independent kid he was, booked an appointment at a local doctor. He couldn't do the family one, it would be on the records.

And so, when he was questioned where his parents was he explained he was not comfortable with them being there and they were just outside in the car. He also lied about his age - claiming to be thirteen. Of course, he was very small and the doctor wouldn't have believed him if it wasn't for the pure confidence in his voice and how clever he sounded.

He passed quite well actually.

He quickly fumbled in his pocket for one of his blades. One of them. He had several. Each one was at a different level of sharpness. He pulled out the sharpest one he could run and began slitting his wrists. First the left, then the right. Soon he had thirty cuts all over his arms. This didn't make him proud. Nor take away the pain. It just made him feel dizzy and numb and made him forget for a while. And he loved that feeling. That feeling of being so high even though you know you'll be the complete opposite tomorrow. Almost like a hangover quite frankly.

He quickly bandaged up his wrists and wiped away his tears. He didn't want his friends to worry. If they even noticed. Besides, tears dry and wounds heal...smile and no one will notice. No matter how young you are, your never to young to feel pain. Or love.