Milly's Wrath

{Part Thirty-One}

I sat up in the hospital bed, tears brimming my eyes as I wondered how I manage to mess up so much in my life, and not even know it. I wondered how did I ignore all of the signs, and how I didn't manage to notice twenty extra pounds of weight on me, and why no one else mentioned it to me. I wondered how I never realized the shortened, barely there periods, or the movements she must of made from inside the womb.

I stared at the honey colored baby in the incubator next to my bed, hearing her soft, labored breathes, and wondered what I was going to do now.

Nine months. For nine months I didn't know I was pregnant with Xavier and my child. For nine months she grew in me, and she breathed through me, and she gained familiarity with me, and I didn't even know she was there.

The doctor explained it in simple terms: I was so active, any extra weight wouldn't of stayed for long; she was behind the placenta, so I wouldn't feel her kicks and they would easily pass for menstrual cramps; because of my abnormal period (light if ever at all) that would be perpetually unnoticeable.

It all made so much since yet I couldn't grasp the concept.

I'm a Mom. A Mom to a little baby girl.

It's been three days since falling down the stairs. I was unconscious the first day and they had to perform a C-Section. The second day I was so ditsy on pain medications they could have said the moon was falling and I wouldn't remember anything. This morning, all I did was cry and cry and cry some more. And now, I was numb, I was one-hundred percent numb, and the shock had yet to set it.

Even staring at this baby with thick, wavy hair and chubby arms and legs, I couldn't process the fact she was mine. This had to be a prank. At any second Ashton would walk in with a camera, and Anthony would pop out along with Nicole and Rick, and Xavier too since he had to be in on it for this to make sense, they would all pop out and tell me it was a joke. I would yell at them for scaring me, first, but then I would laugh with them, because the baby looks so much like me it almost seemed real.

But one hour passed, and then two hours passed, and then three, and then it was ten and a Nurse

silently took the baby back out the room when she cried. I couldn't bring myself to touch her because this wasn't real. It couldn't be real. You can't be pregnant for nine months and know nothing about it! My life was on track- this cannot be happening! It can't!

But as the hours dwindled, I knew it was true. And for that, I cried again.

~

The next day I woke up and the baby was back, and Nicole and Rick were in the room. They looked as if they didn't sleep a wink all week, and then I felt bad because it was because of me they didn't sleep.

"How are you holding up?" Nicole asked.

That's why I loved her- because she didn't ask stupid questions. Of course I wasn't doing good, but how was I holding up?

"I don't want to believe it." I sobbed, tears streaming down. "I don't want to believe that I messed my life up this much."

Nicole came to sit on the bed with me as Rick exited the room. I could see from his tear-stained cheeks this had hit him somewhere deep,and aging I was and at myself.

"No one is blaming you, Sweetie." She wrapped her arms around me, cradling, as I leaned into her petite figure.

"Yes they are. I'm the one who had sex, and got pregnant, and now there's a baby and...please tell me it isn't real. This is all just a bad dream, right?"

She kissed my forehead. "I wish I could tell you that."

"I can't take care of a baby. I can barely take care of myself..and Xavier is freakin' married with a son and...oh my god!" I broke again.