Meant To Be

CHAPTER - 31

Lisa pov

     Since the morning i'm getting a feeling, I don't know what it is.. But it feels like happiness and my heart was dancing without my instance. What will be the reason? I've been into the sadness more than three months but how it will suddenly turn into happy mood? Is it something to do with jennie ? I don't think so. I don't know why I'm even feeling like this now but I love it. I cried last night again even my unni told me not to cause I can't able to bear that pain when I'm alone I can't help but to cry it only makes me feel relieved from all the pain I've been through.. May be it won't change anything but it'll just let me sleep if not I can't even able to sleep well with all those nightmares I get every night. It became a routine and that makes me want to kill myself .. Why those won't let me live peacefully ? It's been 4 months already and within three days it's going to be our 5th monthsary in married life. But who cares? Except for me. It's really a great pain to hide in my heart and it hurts a lot, it stings and making me bleed. Everytime I hear her scoldings I just want to ask her what did I ever done to her? And now already I got the answer, I don't know what to ask her even more. Why? Because it's already happened. We are married and she's loving someone. How great it was right! I thought I'm so lucky to have her in my life but it was not at all. All she thinks about is her Sana. The love of her life, the one whom she want to marry and live a life and to have kids.. It's not me who she loves . I'm such a fool to not think of this. Ofc I'm nothing but a trash, and I got no looks or what that girl has . I should've known it before our marriage but It wasn't. And I really have no idea at all about it.. All I knew is how much I love her no matter what ?why I'm being like this.. I don't know still  , why I have a soft spot on her after all what had happened.. Is it because I was too involved in her.. Yes it is. But I swear to God that it was really killing me seeing those two right infront of my eyes romancing and exchanging sweet talks.. And it brokes my heart when jen said that how much she is in love with that girl. As a wife, It was not as easy thing to forget about what they said and what I saw. Even if she don't love me, or even she won't accept me as her better half.. I'm still here wife atleast in my pov, In my concern.. I'm seeing her as my whole life ..but she never did. I knew also this with the look on her eyes everytime it meets mine. She never gave a look that I am craving for, or even a talk that I want to hear from her or even  a smile that can make my sadness go away. She never did. I saw her coldness and her bad attitude to show me that she hates me like anything.. The look she will give to her workers or the people who are in low position .. That disgusting look, that unwanted look.. And how can I even survive at that. I don't have the guts to ask her what's my place in her life? May be she will say nothing. Nothing at all. I know the answer and it won't change . She is happy with that girl everything since she met her. All the time I thought I'm the reason behind her smile but it's not.. It's her. Sana. The girl who got her heart just like that.

  I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and it was the best day of my life.

But I never thought you'll be the reason for my sadness and you hurted me alot.. And you know what ?  still.. Still.. I --I-I love you so much.. I don't know why am I even saying this after all what you did to me.. Why I can't able to go away from you like you do? Why I can't able to stay happy like you do? Why I can't unlove you like the way you unlove me ?

Why? Why? Why am I like this? Why am i this weak?  Am I that unworthy? Didn't I deserve any love?

   If only you know how many questions are going through in my mind all day  that makes me to choke myself and wanted to hit my head to a wall to stop getting those again and again.. I'm looking like a girl with lots of disabilities . Or may be a girl with a disease.

  But never I have ever told or expressed my thoughts to anyone.. How can they understand what I'm feeling when your not the one who understands me. I don't want anyone to understand it other than you. But sadly, you aren't there with me from the beginning at all. Everytime I'm seeing a couple walking with hand in hand, with their kids smiling at them adorably.. That sight makes me feel always calm and It reminds me of you.. If only you love me the way I love you then we will be in their place now. But it'll always be like my dream never going to be real. I have you in my life.. But in your life I'm not there. It's different. Even you are in my life, I can't have you as my partner, as my lover, as my husband.. Cause you already gave your heart to your girlfriend.