Dear Jacob

Letter 11

Dear Jacob,
We've gone home now. Left London for good. Amazingly, Robin came with me. I think it's because shes worried, but she won't admit it... My cousins had to go back to school, Robins gone back as well, and I'm home alone. Alone again. It seems no matter how much I try, I just end up alone.
I haven't done much today. Ruth offered to come round with your mum, but I declined. I can barely talk to your family. Your amazing kind family, which I tore apart. Your amazing kind family, who reminds me of you too much for it to be bearable.
All I've done today is watch the Big Bang Theory. I almost went on a walk, but I couldn't stand. I didn't have the motivation. I've become a small raincloud on a sunny day. Lonely and different.
So I've been trying to distract myself. I have made lots of bracelets. It's so relaxing, yet so pointless. Tying knots in coloured string to give to your friend, the more complicated the knot, the more of a friend you are. Ruth, Robin and I have about 10 each now. I am now making long ones to hang in my room, tied to my bed. One for each mistake I made, so I never forget. And there are so many, I am sure ill forget.
I just wish...well I wish I could re-do everything. I wish I didn't have to re-do everything. Maybe if I stay in my room, I won't make the mistakes I always make. Maybe if I don't talk to anyone, I won't be missed. Maybe if I just stare at the painted stars on my bedroom ceiling, I will become one. Maybe I should just leave. Like you. I'll come and join you. Come back and take me away. Far away. I don't care where. As long as it's not here.
Love, Emma