Dear Jacob

Letter 13

Dear Jacob,
I tried to catch up on the work Robin sent me from school. But I only saw letters, no words, no meaning. So I stopped.
But, I don't want to talk about me. I wanted to remember. I remember lots about you.
The way your eyes reflected all of your feelings, the way you never lied to me. And the way I always hid things from you. The way your hair fell, gently into your eye line, and how with a flick of your long easy fingers, you would toss it out again. And the way you kissed, never harshly, just like the way the sunlight blesses the morning sky, all gold and warm, fading tenderly into blue.
And the way you were happy to go along with all my wayward plans, which would never end well. Like the time I decided to go into town just by walking. All 16 miles that took us nearly 2 hours before we decided to turn around and go back home.
And the time you first met my family. That dinner I thought would end all out troubles just brought us more.
I wasn't stupid about it. I made sure I invited you as just a friend; so that you would never be persecuted or hated the minute your name was mentioned. But I didn't want to have to lie about who I was going to meet outside the house.
So, I had to take on the task of asking my parents; an over reacting mother who wold treat it like tea with the queen, and an over protective dad who would act like the family's guard dog who had spotted the new scared postman.
So asking if I could bring a guy round for pizza was like walking into a minefield with cobras. Blindfolded.
Therefore, roping Robin into helping was possibly my only good move. When I asked, with Robin mouthing to me what to say from across the room, my dad immediately jumped up. 'Why? Who is he? What is he to you? Are you (lowered voice) dating him?'
So I kept it simple. You were my friend who I wanted to let meet everyone because we were going to be hanging out together lots. Amazingly, it worked. Pacified, my dad sat back, and let my mum take over. After repeating pizza is fine so often I felt like a parrot, I managed to agree to homemade pizzas with lots of different toppings just in case you didn't like one. Robin just agreed to shut her up.
But as much as I complain, I do love my family, and I was glad you were going to meet them. I was scared for you and terrified for me and Robin, but I had done something.
You probably never knew this but I never felt like I did anything for you. You always had my best interests at heart, but it wasn't a two way street. I was too worried about myself. It was always me me me me ME.
I wanted to care about you. I wanted you to be my primary concern, you and Robin. But I was always too self-obsessed. Always ME. That's why I feel I don't belong here. Why do I deserve to have your family and hold all your wonderful memories close, when I can barely think of others? You must come back. You must take it away from me. I don't deserve it. You do.
Love, Emma