I had been crying for the past hour and a half. I couldnt even bare to look at myself anymore. I felt cheap and used. But not used by Dalton, more like I cant believe I used myself like that. Being with Dalton was like a drug and I was now just coming down off a two week high. I was crashing and burning on this emotional rollercoaster. They say when you do drugs it changes you, I never fully understood that until now, even if my drug was kind of metaphorical. I suddenly became angry at my parents.
It was their fault I had become like this. If they werent always fighting and then pretending that everything was okay, I wouldnt have gotten so lost. Im barely 18, I dont know how to handle a traumatic experience like my parents splitting up. How would anyone expect me to act any different.
The anger inside of me had gotten the better of me and I threw a water bottle at the wall. It made me feel better. Then it made me feel worse.
What the hell am I thinking? Its no ones fault but my own. I am an adult and am fully capable of making my own decisions. My parents didnt talk to me about their marriage issues because they wanted to protect me. They werent exactly doing a wonderful job but still.
I sighed, feeling bipolar at my thought process. Damn, I need a drink...well now theres a thought.. I pushed that thought out of my mind almost instantly. The last thing I needed right now was to be drunk with all these damn feelings everywhere.
My phone buzzed, it was a text from Dalton asking how I was doing. We were suppose to hang out earlier but I was otherwise preoccupied. He must have been worried. Well, I guess now would be the best time to tell him how I felt. I replied asking if I could come over and we could talk. He agreed and I forced myself to get out of bed so I could get this over with.
We were sitting in his room and neither of us had said anything since I sat down and he asked me what I wanted to talk about. It must have been 10 minutes but it felt like an eternity. I just couldnt bring myself to say how I really felt. Do I tell him Im disgusted with myself? Do I ask him why he let me do this? No, that one wasnt fair. Should I just tell him we cant do this anymore? What if he asks why? I looked up and he was staring at me. I wondered if he had been staring the entire time I had been having an inner battle with myself. The boy was patient, I had to give him that.
"Umm," I finally spoke. "I want to talk about us." He nodded and waited for me to continue. "First, thanks for being here these last couple of weeks. Things have been really rough at home and it means a lot to have someone who could take away the pain for a little while. I just...I dont think we should continue to do this. I mean, its been great. You've been great but... This isn't right and we both know that. If anyone found out, especially Brady, we dont know what would happen. I love you and I care about you a lot, that will never change. We're best friends and I want to keep it that way. Plus, Brady, you know he'd never be okay with this. He'd be so upset if he found out and its wrong to continue keeping secrets like this. I just...Im sorry." I finished and held my head low, tears were already forming in my eyes.
Dalton hugged me and wiped away the tears, "Its okay Lyrie, it really is. I agreed to this as long as it made you feel better and cleary thats not the case anymore so we'll stop. And you're right about the secrets thing. Im always here for you, in whatever way you need me, okay?" He moved back to meet my eyes, "I love you Lyrie."
I smiled, "I love you too, Dalton."
The next few days were rough, to say the least. I had barely spoken to Dalton since we had our talk. I kept telling myself it was for the best but continued to wonder why he hadnt tried to talk to me. He's probably busy, I reasoned. Or just trying to give me space. Whatever the reason, it still hurt. His words were still ringing in my ears. I was thankful he was so understanding but at the same time, it bothered me and I couldnt figure out why. It felt like everything was starting to upset me lately. What the hell is going on with my damn emotions?
My stomach growled and it startled me. I hadnt eaten much recently, mainly because I just wasnt hungry, I forget my stomach could make that sound. I wanted to go get food but a bigger part of me wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I had been doing that a lot, if I wasnt at work I was at home in bed. Oh shit, I think Im depressed. The thought hit me like a bus. I knew I was in deep when I couldnt even remember what it was like to be happy. My parents havent even noticed a change in my behaviour.
I felt like my life was crashing down and I had no one to turn to. I couldnt go to my parents because they were obviously too wrapped up in their own problems to care. I couldnt go to Dalton because that always led to physical things. I couldnt go to Brady because of the guilt I was carrying around about the Dalton issue. Great, now Im freakin crying again.
I went to go drown my sorrows in food, okay ice cream, hoping my parents wouldnt be in the kitchen to see me crying. I came back up stairs to a text from Brady, "Lyrieeeee where have you been?? I miss my best friend. Party tonight. Parents gone. Cooooomeeeee! :)"
The text only made me cry harder. Im a horrible friend. I didnt want to party, hell I didnt want to leave my bed but I felt like I owed it to him to be there so I got dressed and went out to my car. I put the key in the ignition and turned it. The car made a stange noise and didnt start. I did this 3 more times. "Dammit, what the fuck?" I knew absolutely nothing about cars so trying to fix whatever the problem is wasnt an option. I texted Brady, "My car wont start :("
A minute later he replied, "Dalton and Drew are on their way. See you soon!"
I guess we shall see what the night has in store for me.
