Who I Am (Infinite x Reader)

Chapter 41 ~ Self Loathe

I've messed up.

I'm an idiot. That word was the only thought through the haze.

Idiot.

My eyes flicker open with all my will, trying to force consciousness. I'm gasping, sockets burning with exhaustion as my vision processes reality around me.

Infinite was still in front of me, in the same place as I remember him being. Unmoved. A sigh of relief exits me and I sag back into the tree's trunk. The fatigue hits me, my body was slowly going numb with demands of sleep.

But I can't, I think. I rub my eyes.

It felt like there was a tension in the early morning air. The sun is supposed to bring comfort, right? So, what's the deal with my paranoia? Maybe it's that the light that gives us sight means others can see us too. Though that seemed like a perfectly factual reason, that didn't feel like the answer.

The dying embers of the fire reignite a memory in me. I realize that my sleep was disturbed with dark thoughts, though I can't exactly remember what they were. Which just caused even more frustration with myself.

So, you're gonna doze off when you're supposed to be keeping watch but you can't even remember what the hell you were dreaming about? I wanted to roll my eyes at myself.

I'm so fucking pathetic.

I clutch my rifle closer, fingers tense with anger. At least I didn't accidently let a shot off when my body turned off.

I shiver. The dampness of the barely arrived dawn filling my nose. It seemed safe here, for at least a few more hours of sitting and recharging before I started travelling again. Besides, military and civilians will be everywhere now that the war's over. They'll scope out the masked jackal from a mile away.

With my gaze still fixed on Infinite, I stand up slowly and walk off into the brush, maintaining the jackal within my line of sight. I look around for any broken branches, logs or sticks. I couldn't say I didn't find what I was looking for, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I found a few broken branches of different lengths and widths fallen from the trees high and low. But they were dank with the coldness of night and slow temperature rise of morning.

What's the point in wood at all if it's wet?

Seeing that it's all I have and scavengers can't be picky, I clip my rifle to my belt and grab an armful of everything I could get. More was better than less since that would mean I won't need to leave Infinite unoccupied.

With the cold and slightly gross branches in my grasp, I turn back to the small campsite. My stare fell to the dark brown and grey cylinders in my arms. I didn't want to be with Infinite, not when he woke up anyway. He'll likely be hostile, and he'll ask tons of questions.

I don't know if I'll have the answers to them.

But Infinite better have answers for all of mine.

I step back into the little safe space. I set the wood down near the slowly dying coals, hoping they'll at least dry out the new fuel a bit. I snatch some dead leaves from a nearby bush that was otherwise green and lush with life. By waving the leaves in the air a bit they seemed as ready as ever to give the coals a bit of a boost.

I scrunch the brown leaves slightly before carefully tossing them in. My eyes look to Infinite, still isn't moving. I look back down at the orange embers, the plants I placed in had caught a flame and were burning up. It brought a slight wave of heat, the coals went from a darker orange to a brighter one, coming back to life. I knew this wouldn't last though.