The Duchess Lists

Top 10 I Learned in My First Week as a Master's Student

So I've officially finished my first full week as a Master's student in a new city at a new university. Socks and I have been living on our own for two whole weeks, and thus far, nothing has burnt down or exploded. As such, I have learned several things about life on my own, and life as a grad student. Most of these things are completely irrelevant to everyone else's life, but I'm a little bit special and daily functions are struggles for me.

1. Routers are the work of Satan.

I bought a "simple 3 step router" so I could have interwebs over the vaaaaaast majority of my one bedroom apartment. I failed to make it work. Dave failed to make it work. We concluded it was defective, and I bribed Jenna into taking me to Future Shop to exchange it. New router does not work. Logical conclusion: SATAN MADE ROUTERS (as well as BBM) AS A MEANS OF PUNISHING HUMAN KIND.

2. Laundry Machines are NOT Supposed to Imitate Rampaging Tractor Trailers.

If you throw in a load of six towels and suddenly it sounds like there is a truck about to bust through your wall, this is not normal. It is also no fault of yours. You should collaborate with the young man who lives in the front house and have the landlord examine it. Inevitably, they will find that the shipping bolts were not removed, as they should have been (indicated by the giant yellow tags which read REMOVE UPON DELIVERY AND BEFORE USE). Well done, delivery/installation dudes. Well done.

3. Don't Let Grasshoppers Fuck With You

When you go out to spray your moccasins with leather protector, don't let the grasshopper on your door who is trying to break into your apartment to die impair your judgement. DO NOT SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND YOU, DO NOT COLLECT $200, DO NOT PASS GO. You may be doing him a favour, but #4 reveals how fatal this decision will be.

4. Understand (and double check) the Locking Mechanism On Your Front Door

Just because the inside knob turns does NOT mean that the door is unlocked. The outside knob will inevitably NOT turn, and you will find yourself trapped outside. Hopefully you are wearing shoes. In any case, have fun explaining this to your landlord!!!

5. Record Players Have 9 Lives

Just because you think it's dead, doesn't mean it is. You may in fact just be an idiot, and it isn't plugged in. This will subsequently cause you a mild heart attack when the needle briefly scrapes the rubber mat when you plug it in and it begins to play without any reason.

6. Cookies Can Be Dinner

NO ONE IS HERE TO JUDGE ME. I eat what I wantttttt.

7. Keep an Eye Out for Surprises

Sometimes, you think you're SO clever and handy when you replace the lightbulb in your porchlight all by yourself in a plaid shirt with your screw driver. You quickly realize you aren't nearly as clever as you think when procuring said lightbulb leads you to discover a rather unfortunate kitchen sink leak. My landlord calls them "gremlins", I call them opportunities to display my ingenuity. Its called a bowl under the U-bend, and not doing dishes for the rest of the day. BAM.

8. Insanity

You WILL make the slow, and tragic descent into madness while living on your own. You will have in depth conversations with your pet rat about the weather, but this is only the beginning. You will find yourself yelling "That's whats uppp" after successfully opening a jar of plum sauce. This is okay, its perfectly natural. Or so you will tell yourself.

9. Naps

You will find yourself either a) napping frequently or b) fighting the constant desire to nap. This, I've come to understand, is very common among graduate students. You are not alone in this, its a phenomenon. Don't question it, embrace your couch and cozy blankets. Its nice. You'll like it here.

10. "Everyday is a Saturday"

This is a little gem I picked up from Taryn as we competed in Grad Club trivia last night. My birthday is on a Monday this year, which made me hesitant to do anything about it, but I was reassured that any night is a Saturday night when you're a grad student. Sounds suspiciously like living in residence to me...