The Duchess Lists

Top 10 Ways to Obtain Your Very Own Duckling

Spring means a number of things. For me, it means NHL play offs and the return of major league baseball. Spring ALSO means ducklings. Thats right, ducks are now chasing each other around in an attempt to get it onnnn (Jenna and I accidentally witnessed this...it was actually a tad bit aggressive and awkward. ANYWAY). The result of this awkward duck private time means DUCKLINGS. Which is about the only good thing to come out of the whole ordeal. Ducklings are absolutely wonderful creatures (but clearly you already knew this. If you didn't, I don't think you have a soul). Once, I saw the movie Fly Away Home which was mediocre at best, but it does involve baby waterfowl in a toilet, and that inspired me. HOW EASY WOULD IT BE TO TURN MY BATHTUB INTO A DUCKLING HABITAT? Yes, I would have to find somewhere else to shower, but its a sacrifice I'm totally willing to make. Here is how to go about obtaining your very own duckling!

1. Call up Sir Elton John, ask to borrow this costume.

Clearly, the duckling will mistake you for its father and waddle right into your open arms...er, wings.

2. Buy this bed, steal eggs to raise in it.

Home sweet home! Those precious little ducks will never know the difference.

3. Invest in binoculars, set up security detail on the nearest duck nest. Undercover of darkness, snatch an egg from the nest and replace it with standard egg from your fridge which you were never going to eat anyway. Science once told me that ducklings bond with the first thing they sees when they hatch--I fully intend for this to be me.

4. The age old classic: lure it to you with a trail of delicious bread crumbs! (Experience tells me that ducks don't dig Doritos. They do, however, appreciate alliteration)

5. Go to the nearest duck hangout with a bunch of adorable stuffed ducklings. Engage in a picnic and other fun activities, laugh often and loudly so that the duckling knows just how much fun your little duck family is and waddles over to join the fun and then you leave the park and its parents never notice the duckling is gone because they're insensitive bastards who hatched more eggs than they could keep track of and made poor baby Pamela feel totally unloved anyway.

6. Learn to speak duck, and bond with the duckling. Become best friends and decide to be roommates. Obtain bunk bed nests so that you'll have so much more room for activities.

Make millions of dollars for having invented bunk bed nests.

7. Establish a hiding spot in the bushes near the nest. Use one of those claw snatcher things to snatch the duckling. Desperate times call for desperate measures, friends.

8. Obtain this book (which I love immensely, Mo Willems is absolutely hilarious and a huge influence for me).

Sit in the park and read it aloud. Ducklings cannot resist stories or cookies. This is proven by science. Before you know it, that duckling will be nestled in your lap.

9. Visit a petting zoo wearing a coat with large pockets. Using your stealth skills, scoop up a duckling and make a break for it.

10. Dig a giant hole in your backyard and fill it with water. Plant cattails and other pond-like things. You have now made your residence irresistible to ducks, and now you'll have an entire flock. In the words of Field of Dreams: "If you build it, they will come". We all know they were totally talking about ducklings.