We're just going to sidestep from my little Desert Island mini-series here for a moment to talk about something very important. Penguins.
A few posts ago, I placed my dream of hugging a penguin on my list of irrational and impossible dreams. But then, I saw the Penguin Cam from SeaWorld and my whole outlook changed. YOU CAN WATCH THEM SWIM.
It was at this moment that I realized I MUST meet and hug a penguin in order to feel any modicum of success in my life.
As such, I have compiled a list of the methods I will be using in order to accomplish this goal. As per usual, some are a bit more rational than others.
Let's not kid ourselves, there's no rationality here at all. What fun is that?
1. Become an eccentric billionaire and pilot my hot air balloon (see Eccentric Billionaire post) directly into the penguin exhibit at either the Toronto or Central Park zoo, or SeaWorld. Dressed as an adorable penguin myself, my new brethren will welcome me with open flippers, and it'll be one giant penguin group hug. Adorable.
2. I will knit a series of adorable sweaters for penguins, and they will be SO overjoyed and cozy that they will waddle over to me and we shall hug. This is what that will look like:
3. Ride first class on a Delta Airlines flight.
4. I will use my dear friend Waddle as a lure, as he is obviously a very convincing penguin specimen. They will welcome him into their penguin family and I shall hug them in gratitude.
*DON'T TRY TO BE WITTY AND SAY I CAN JUST HUG WADDLE. I realize he is not a real penguin, okay?*
5. I will play the intro to Peter Frampton's live version of "Show Me The Way" in which the talk box sounds like it could be a penguin. I will call to them, and it will be one giant dance party. And then I will hug a penguin. Thanks, Pete.
6. Move to Australia or some other place where the warm penguins like to hang out (because really, there's no way in hell I'm moving to Antarctica. Are there actually people with citizenship there? I'll look it up). I will learn all about their ways and wait until they know me enough to hug me and not bite me in the face.
7. Adopt a penguin from the World Wildlife Federation, and then FIND IT. I adopted it, so I can hug it all I want, right? Yes. Yes I can.
8. Befriend a zoo keeper, and get them to hook me up with the penguin care takers. Convince them that I am not completely deranged (that's the tricky part) and get them to let me into the exhibit. I will hug a penguin, and probably cry. If they let Dermot Mulroney do it, why not me?
9. Should #8 fail, I will be forced to invest in some sort of catsuit and Mission Impossible-style training classes. I will then ninja my way into the penguin enclosure, and hug them this way. It may take a series of small fish and a bedtime story in order for the penguins to trust me, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. In fact, a sub-goal to this one would be to tuck a penguin into bed. HOW FREAKIN ADORABLE WOULD THAT BE?!
10. Become famous for something or other (this awesome blog, mayhaps? hmmm?) and get a guest spot on Ellen Degeneres' show. Obviously, she will learn of my love for penguins pre-interview, and one might hope that instead of scaring the hell out of me with a giant penguin, she will opt to bring me one to hug. Cue on-air meltdown, in Kristen Bell style, of course.
If you or someone you know has access to penguins, please let me know. As you can see, this is a very big deal to me. Also, I'm a mediocre graduate student in English, so I have very little to look forward to upon graduation. So. There's that.
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