This summer, I've found myself in a predicament that I'm sure is all too familiar for so many graduates of my generation. You've gone and got yourself a fancy university degree (or two) and now you're stuck with no practical application for it, except maybe working at Subway in the mall food court or begging for change on a corner. At times, the seemingly futile quest for employment becomes rather depressing and even my dad bringing me coffee and sandwiches doesn't make it better.
But then: last night at 3am, I had a revelation. Perhaps I'm just not thinking outside the metaphorical box, maybe I'm being too generic in my quest. Maybe these trial careers were hinting at some greater universal design for my future. After all, if my deranged young mind taught me anything, its that it is possible to do one thing really really mediocrely for a short period of time until you realize how bad you are at it and move on to something else. I'm not sure how valuable that is (read: not even remotely) but that's just how I lived as a child. This is turning into nonsense, SO on to the list of jobs I attempted as a child!
1. Pet Detective
As a young one, I read a LOT. Much of what I read was Nancy Drew novels, which piqued my interest in sleuthing. And Mustang convertibles. But that is neither here nor there. The point is, at some point I thought it would be a perfectly viable occupation to peruse my neighbourhood for Missing Pet posters and track down said animal. Using a notebook, a magnifying glass, and clues of some sort. Needless to say, I never found any clues. Or any animals.
2. Radio DJ
I was, quite possibly, the worst DJ of all time. For several reasons. Allow me to explain:
a) The only music I knew existed was country music. Until I was 12.
b) I had no clue how to work the 6 CD changer in the stereo.
c) The combination of these facts meant that most of my "DJing" was hoping to recognize the song within the first second or two so I could find the track name on the CD and announce it to my "listeners."
My career lasted for all of 2 hours.
3. Weaver of Jesus Eye Ornaments
I'm not even sure that this is what the damn things were called, but all I know is that I spent a lot of time, yarn, and popsicle sticks weaving shoddy little ornaments that I attempted to hock on the street in front of my house.
They were supposed to look like this. They were not even close.
4. Jewelry maker of wooden bead masterpieces
After the success of my ornament sales (meaning my sad face guilted 3 neighbours into purchasing my wares) I thought the time was right to begin selling my jewelry line. Once again, my young self was deluded into a feeling of success when a handful of neighbours purchased for $1 each what was effectively a series of shitty wooden beads threaded onto a shoelace. I'm not kidding.
5. Solo artist after the demise of The Racer Girls
In the 3rd grade, the Spice Girls conquered the world. That same year, we felt that we too were qualified for superstardom. Hence, the Racer Girls were born. Like the Spice Girls, we all had nicknames to represent us. I was K9. Evidently, we were unaware of how race cars were labelled. Alas. As the result of creative differences, the Racer Girls were not long lived, leaving me to my own lyrical devices in a bid for stardom. Never mind that I have (and had) no vocal talent at all, and that our "agents" were 6th graders. I COULDA BEEN SOMEBODY. I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!
6. Architect of a Beanie Baby metropolis
I was a special child, that should be clear. So my decision to construct an entire town for my Beanie Babies should not be a surprise. This town came fully equipped with a condo, a smoothie shop, and various village events. I legitimately hosted an 'Art in the Park' exhibition. I wish I was kidding. I will never date again after this post.
7. Sports Magazine Editor
As an obsessive reader of Sports Illustrated for Kids, I felt that I was perfectly justified in creating my own sports magazine. Complete with cover sketches of Marion Jones (I FEEL SO BETRAYED, MARION!) by yours truly. I don't think the lone issue produced was ever actually completed, though I wish the evidence of my fabricated interviews with professional athletes was still in existence.
8. Interpretive Dancer (to "Africa" by Toto)
After my time as country music DJ and retired girl group singer, I moved on to a brief career as an interpretive dancer. This basically meant dragging a huge speaker to the back door of my house, and blaring Toto on repeat while my sister and I ran along the fences and tried to be exotic. Our neighbours LOVED US.
9. Teacher. Of inanimate objects.
Being that my Beanie Babies resided in a legitimate township, it naturally follows that they needed some form of education. This led to me transferring all the menial and boring tasks of a catholic elementary school education onto a bunch of inanimate objects. I even took attendance daily. AS IF THEY HAD A CHOICE.
10. Commercial spokesperson for Crest Toothpaste
Getting up in the morning to go to school as a child is always an ordeal. With my sister and I, my parents had more than enough to contend with. Especially because we wasted so much freakin' time in the bathroom perfecting our mirror advertisements for toothpaste. This involved cliche statements, and lots of posing with the tube of toothpaste in a way that looked totally ridiculous. Thinking about it now, I'm not sure how either of us grew up to be even remotely functional in society.
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The Duchess Lists
UmorismoI confess, I'm a mid-twenties pseudo-adult with a short attention span and a penchant for self-deprecation. The following stories are real and no names have been changed to protect anyone because really this is just me struggling with adulthood whil...
