One time, I made the decision to graduate from not one but TWO useless postsecondary degrees. Then I moved home. Let’s call it an “adventure” while simultaneously acknowledging that I’d really like to be a real grown up now.
1. Your Television Watching Habits WILL Age Exponentially
If you aren’t already a champion at Wheel of Fortune, be prepared. You will be.
You’ll watch back to back Family Feuds, and then the news, and then Wheel of Fortune and then Jeopardy and MAYBE if Dancing With the Stars isn’t on, you’ll get to watch something you want to watch. And then have to explain the character arcs to your parent.
2. If You Don’t Pay Rent, You Will Pay in Other Ways
Namely being way too involved in your parental unit’s dating life. Suddenly, you will become a beacon of dating success and your job will be to offer advice ranging from fashion to updating profile pictures and checking messages. Yes, you will become more adept at internet dating than you ever needed to be, namely because your parental unit doesn’t actually know how to operate a computer or access any kind of internet related entity. “What’s a password? What did I just do, how do I get out of it??”
3. I Hope You Like Tiny Beds
You know those wonderful, large cozy sanctuary-like beds you see in Ikea commercials and it’s all sunny and wonderful and you can stay there well into the late morning in the sun drinking coffee and reading the Sunday paper and there’s a puppy there? Yeah, it won’t be like that. You get the hand-me-down twin sized bed and the best you can do is to buy a new duvet and pretend like this isn’t the saddest thing ever.
4. Every Sitcom Ever Lied to You
When I was away at school and would hear about the antics going on at home with my dad and my sister and two cats I would foolishly laugh to myself about how it was like a sit-com. I pictured a less-full Full House, or Gilmore Girls with fewer X chromosomes. I have never been more wrong. There is no witty banter and hilarious hijinks resulting from misheard phone messages and pet related accidents. No. There are only bad dad puns about tossed salad and awkward silences during anything faintly sexual on TV. THE AGONY.
5. Channel Flipping Now Comes With Inane Questions!
Apparently that little guide function that comes with digital cable/satellite/what have you is unheard of, and as your father flips through channel after channel, stopping only for things that seem vaguely car related or feature an attractive woman, you will be asked a series of questions. None of which you will know the answers to. “What show is this?” “Who is that guy, why is he trying to kill her?” “What’s this now? Where is this?” I DON’T KNOW. I’m not sure what qualifies me to know EVERYTHING about EVERY SHOW on television, but I assure you this statement of my qualifications has been highly over sold.
6. Remember those “adult sleepovers” you used to have?
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL!!!
7. “Do you know where my glasses are?” is a synonym for “How was your day”
I can pretty much guarantee you’re sitting on them.
8. Do you remember when you were young and you were watching Wayne’s World or something sorta age inappropriate on TV late at night and you had to change the channel lightning fast when your parent came into the room suddenly?
Yeah. That’s going to keep happening. Dick jokes will never get LESS uncomfortable, and I’m sorry for that.
9. Be prepared to have every basic human task criticized. Because you have betrayed your upbringing.
Apparently washing your laundry in cold water is primitive and weird. As is your estimated length of time that ice cubes have before they ‘go stale’.
10. At a certain point, you WILL have a Freaky Friday moment where you need to talk yourself down from parent mode.
No, your father has NOT been murdered on a blind date by the Portuguese mob (is that even a thing?). No, you should NOT call the coffee shop he went to to confirm that he is still alive. Also, maybe don’t stay up watching Doctor Who until he arrives home. This is getting out of hand.
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The Duchess Lists
HumorI confess, I'm a mid-twenties pseudo-adult with a short attention span and a penchant for self-deprecation. The following stories are real and no names have been changed to protect anyone because really this is just me struggling with adulthood whil...
