her coffee

2019.08.24

School is going to start in a week. I guess the only good & positive thing is that I will enter new doors to a different hell. Good stuff. My eyes won‘t see those shitheads. They make my stomach tie into a knot. Just thinking of them makes me want to puke. I don‘t know why they choose me as their target. I‘m not that interesting to be haunted by. My anxiety is hoping they won‘t find my marks, that are now in another city. I left everything behind. My mother, her name is Katie. I don‘t really think she‘s my mom, I mean my biological mother. I don‘t even know where my dad is, she never told me. I know nothing about my family. It doesn‘t bug me. I feel fine not knowing stuff. It makes me feel at ease. No problems for now. Oh forgot to mention, my “mother“ thinks that being in the LGBT+ community is a sin. Yeah, but she accepts me for being queer, because I‘m her “child“, writing those type of things in inverted commas because I‘m not sure what position she is in my life.
I don‘t have friends or anyone close, except my therapist, but she‘s just doing her job, so it doesn‘t matter. I hope this hell is better, and not a private Christian school (Katie would definitely choose that for me) because that definitely would suck ass. Just imagine; me walking through the school‘s halls, being myself, while everyone walks with their uniforms, being all nice, organized and totally disgustingly fake. That for sure would be so funny. Maybe I will find my future wife in this town. I would be too scared to tell her about myself. In this diary, journal whatever you want to call it, I feel like myself, well in social situations I‘m an introvert, or maybe it‘s just my social anxiety. No shit, Emily. Oh, I should probably say sorry, I guess? I feel bad or guilty for the smallest stuff. Though it‘s not hard to write only about myself. I’m sorry for not writing in here for 20 days. I hope whoever is reading this is doing okay.
-sending prayers for those who go to a private Christian school :).