her coffee

2019.12.04

I didn't finish my thoughts yesterday. I was too messed up.

-flashback to yesterday, therapist office-

There I was crying. For the first time. You may be asking why. I talked about my inner demons, my true emotions & feelings. Obviously, I felt weak. I was too scared too actually talk about it. I would have told in this diary about everything. I didn't have time. I didn't know how to put it in words. I thought I would write EVERYTHING in this diary, I thought wrong. What if actually someone reads this? Scared.

Oop! I found a piece of paper in my old backpack. It was my old diary;

(TRIGGER WARNING: ALMOST RAPE/CHILDHOOD TRAUMA)

2009.03.13 (Friday)

Today I turned 5 years old. My dad said I'm already such a big girl. Daddy's no longer a baby girl. Feels like I can be a hero now. It was nighttime. 9PM already my bedtime, I should be sleeping by now. I heard someone opening my bedroom door. It was my sweet, best dad. He smiled at me as per usual. "What's wrong?" - I asked him in a calm, quiet voice. "I want to show my little, oh not little anymore baby. What is like to be a woman. You want to see it don't you?" - Daddy asked. I nodded excitedly. Small Emily really wanted to know what is actually like to be a real lady. He was standing between my doors as he asked me that. Now he was getting closer to my bed. He sat right on my bed with colorful bedsheets. On my nightstand, there was a lamp. I was too scared to sleep in the dark or be in the dark. He slowly turned the light off. Now I was terrified. But that's my hero dad, he wouldn't harm me. Maybe it's what grown-up people do; maybe they're not scared of the dark. He slowly pushed the bedsheets away from my body. I felt a sudden cold on my petite body. Though I was with my favorite pajamas, I felt quite cold. As soon as I wanted to put the bed sheets back on my body, he yanked my hand away. I felt the tears in my eyes built up. "Don't cry my princess, remember big woman don't cry". "I'm going to learn so much about myself, and being a real men's lady," I thought to myself. Charlie (my dad), looked directly in my eyes, with puppy eyes and asked: "Can you take off your shirt, pretty please" Obviously I did, how I could say no to my one and only daddy. He looked at me one last time, with those loving eyes. Daddy pulled away my comfy pants with my pink underwear. I was now shivering. I was completely naked. I felt weird. I was fully like that just in front of my lovely mommy. He completely closed my windows & locked the door. "Now you will see what your mommy and I do as adults in the dark, at night" - dad said. I was so excited my whole body was shaking, my heart was pounding crazy. He removed his belt. Then slowly removed his pants & underwear. The thing between his legs looked weird. "What is he going to do" - I asked myself, though I didn't receive any answer. Daddy pulled me closer to him. We heard a loud bang on a door. The door literally flew. My mom was standing here. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO EMILY YOU MONSTER! I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER!" - She was shouting with tears, she was holding a basketball bat in her hands. She came closer to me I was scared. She hit my dad with the bat. Hard. Blood. Tears. Shouting. Police. Dark night. Voices. Demons.

-present time-

I was sobbing crazy. I was so stupid; I pushed all those memories, feelings back in my mind. While I was crying, shouting, was about to punch myself, Adeline was quick enough to hold me back, she held me tight. She hushed me down. She told me to talk to my mother.

When I called her, Katie was shook. She didn't how to answer me. Why it was so hard for her to answer such an easy question. OH BECAUSE EVERYONE LIED TO ME. Okay okay, I will explain it to you. Basically UGHHHH. Okay, I have to calm down. Deep breaths, deep breaths. OKAY. I'M FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. Katie is not my real, biological mother. FUCK. I was right. Deep down, okay not even that deep down I thought that it's just my stupid thought that's it. Never, I have would think that this is actually happening. However, why everyone except me (and obviously Bub not talking about her in this shit hole, she is other, completely different aspects of my life) knew this. EVEN MY FUCKING AUNT. Okay. I understand she didn't want me to get her. Did you know that pushing back memories, feelings, emotions, and everything; not dealing with your trauma will come back at you much stronger. Oh well, I'm seeing this right now. Maybe I actually do have anger issues. OH SHIT. I don't know my real biological mother. My anxiety pills. WHERE ARE THEY? WORK FASTER. PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME.

It's later now. Rooftop. Don't worry I'm not THAT dramatic to jump off. I'm glad that Bub is here, if she wasn't here, I wouldn't be writing here right now. She is really the love of life, my light. Now I'm much calmer than I was before. I will explain what actually Katie is. She's my real mom's sister. After my mom almost killed my psycho dad. (I'm literally so drained, I won't tell what I did read there more about my dad, but just know it's pretty fucking BAD). So when my dad was about to rape 5-year-old Emily, my mom basically called the police. I took all of my toys, plushies, clothes, everything, except the pajamas. She also called Katie to take care of me. My mom thought it would be better if I would go to therapy, so I will forget everything, sadly including her. Why did she even felt guilty? She was literally protecting not only me but also herself from this monster. I heard he's in jail. Good shit. Where's my mom, she didn't tell me though. Dumbfuck.

Bub and Emma will find my actual hero.