her coffee

2020.02.03

It has been little ruff 2 weeks. I ended up telling everything to her. I tried not to make her mad. She had to listen to me until the end to not be mad at me. She was angry. I was sad. My sobs escaped my mouth after such a long time. I left everything out. How I hated that I feel like this. That I still feel disgusted about my body. The fact that I thought I was getting better, but I wasn't. I created these illusions to feel at least okay. I created these walls around me, to protect myself since I was 5 years old. I was so scared. Scared of everything. I'm still bleeding in pain, my tears run faster than a heartbeat. It makes me sick to think like this. To accept the fact that I was almost ripped apart, left alone in my childhood memories and dreams. I can't sleep at night. I fear the dark. But in the light, I hide myself from my own Emma. This hurts. This hurts like hell. I have been holding these feelings so deep in my body, that now I can't even walk because of the weight I put on my back. I go numb, completely numb. Every part of my nasty, disgusting, small, weak body of mine hurts. The tears just show that I can have emotions. I'm not an emotionless monster that likes to tear people apart, and leave them alone bleeding every blood cell they ever had. It's them. It's all of you that made me the way I am. I try so hard, so fucking hard; to be better, to feel better. However, it's hard knowing you will just shut me down yet again, so poorly, so drastically down. I want to puke of the idea; that I, yes Emily, the same Emily would be different if I wouldn't have let them build my personality of all the things I did just to protect the little me inside me. I'm scared. Of you. Of the me living inside this body, that doesn't feel like my body, it feel I live in a box and the real me is just dead. Completely dead, without any signs of being alive again. It's sad. It is sad that I hope I would be better of not here. What can do about it? Everything I do, is bad for them. Every move, every breath just little amount of oxygen is in my lungs, I feel my lungs crushing down because another dose of your bullshit is pressed down my weak, almost dead throat. That is why is better to not feel things. Maybe out there, there is some sort pills or some shit that makes you feel numb, but in the best way possible. She listened every word coming out my dry mouth. I don't know if she understood me though. I hope she did.