Love Moderately

11/5/2014 - Wednesday - 8:27 PM

So we told Dasha that we don't believe her, and she admitted that some of her stories are fake. Like the story she told us about how she and her cousin went camping and he got scared of a noises, and how she, Noah, Lawrence, and Sammy ran around the school and talked to Ryan. Those were easy to tell that they were fake. I still know there's more that she needs to fess up to, like how Lawrence and Sammy are fake. Why would anybody like me. I'm just an ugly, procrastinating stalker. I'm surprised I even have people who actually like me. Like Aaron, Ian, and Lenni. I don't know if I've ever talked about Ian, but I'm pretty sure he likes me because he's practically staring at me the whole time in science. Like he sits in front of me, to the right, and he puts his hand on his chin and peeks through the hole made by his hand... And then I catch him staring at me.... Like that's not obvious.

OH OH OH. Guess what Sonja did today...... SHE PUSHED ME INTO MADDOX BRUH!!! YASSSSSS. Except I couldn't smell him.... Hey don't think I'm weird, it's a universal fact that girls only like guys that smell good. Just like it's a universal fact that all guys are warmer than girls... teehee his arm was warm. *Sigh*. Lol though everytime Sonja and I pass Ryan, she tries to shove me into him. I think Ryan noticed because everytime he passes us, he'll move to the side.... Or maybe he's scared that with the minimal amount of contact we make that I'll get DNA samples or something and make a clone of him or something. Because he literally thinks I'm crazy. Well that was a fail. I should try to move on, but it's so hard. I've tried. I almost succeeded once, but then I just happened to see him in the hallway again and nothing changed. That was like, half a year ago by the way. I've just given up (on both getting Ryan and getting rid of my crush on him) for 3 years, looks like it's not gonna stop. Oh well.

Anyway it's kind of funny. I was walking with Sonja so that we could go home. Well technically I had to go to practice. Then I saw Ryan and I was like, Dude it's nayr, and pointed. Maddox had just come down the stairs, therefore he was right behind me. Then he was about to pass me while he was talking into his friend, and Sonja pushed me into him. I screamed, "EEEEK!" because I could feel myself being shoved. So I bumped into Maddox, and apologized. He was like,"No, it's okay, it was my friend." And I was like, "Well Sonja lost her balance and fell, so I bumped into you." And Sonja and I kept on walking while Sonja was saying,"Yes! Yes! I finally made you bump into one of them (meaning Maddox or Ryan)!" And I'm just like SONJAAAAAAAA. 

But you know what's even weirder? Usually I'm good at making sure that Sonja doesn't push me into people... because, well I'm fat. So I can usually just stand securely on the ground and wouldn't get pushed over. But the reason I wasn't aware was because while I was pointing at Ryan, Jillian started going closer to him and talking to him, and I'm just thinking,"BITCH GET AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH I TECHINICALLY DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY SO!!!" So Sonja took advantage of that situtation where I'm staring holes into Jillian's back, to push me into Maddox. Not that I can complain of course. 

Ughhh. In Drama Club, we're doing the musical version of Junie B. Jones, a children's book series, and I have to wrap my arms around this guy for this one part, where we all link together. And he's cute and smart and may or may not be in my grade. And I might have had a crush on him, in like, 6th grade. Dasha, you'll definitely know who I'm talking about, especially since we liked the same people in 6th grade. I can't believe we didn't fight over who would get the guy... oh wait, we both had already accepted that we were too ugly for him, so we would never have a chance. And then I found in Ryan, and have not been able to stop liking him since then. 

It feels so wrong to like multiple guys. Well technially I only like Ryan, I just think Maddox and John from math class are cute. But Sonja says that if you think someone is cute, it counts as liking them. But that stll feels wrong. Like shouldn't I be focosed on one person, and one person only. Hell, Ryan would be throwing a party... be like, Lina's expanding her horizons and looking for other people woooo! Except he wouldn't know that. Unless we started talking or he found this for some reason. That would be fucking scary.

I don't know if I've told you already, but I made a promise on the last day of 8th grade that when we graduate high school, I would give Ryan the link to this diary and he could read it and find out the truth, and learn who I really am. But even I don't know who I really am. There's times where I'm like, I am a beauty queen, and there's times where I'm like, get the fuck away from me and let me wallow in my sorrow. There's times when I'm like, yes cute clothes and starbucks, and then there's times like, sweatpants and sweatshirts is where it's at. So I don't know who I am. But I guess that's the point of high school and growing up; you learn from your mistakes and realize who you want to be. 

I really need to get back to homework, so I don't fail all my classes, so bye. And always remember, Kevon is better than youuuuuuu! Lol It's an inside joke from Biomed.