Killer attitude//Ruel

Chapter 16: i'm so stupid

-Madi's POV-

The kiss was soft, his lips were soft and I was feeling all soft. There was this warmth and it was spreading fast throughout my body. Soon his kisses start feeling faint and it got so faint, they were like whispers.

We pulls away catching our breaths and I didn't know how to act. What should I say to him?

"Erm it's getting late- we should head back." He says while clearing his throat and I nod to the idea.

We start walking back, I hadn't realised how long the walk was until you had to add unusual tension to the mix.

"So- we kissed." I manage to say.

However I may have made it more awkward.

"Yeah- Madi I have to tell you something." He blurts.

"Yes go on." I reply.

"I'm going to hurt you." He sighs.

How? He was the sweetest person I know. How was he going to hurt me?

"You won't- not unless you want too." I say.

For weeks now I registered the fact that I liked him, he made me happy- he knew me so well and yet he didn't judge or ask questions. I respected him for that.

"I wouldn't want to do such a thing but- I just can't I'm sorry." He walks ahead and walks down Haven street.

Maybe he doesn't like me enough and this is excuse or maybe he has a good reason. Whatever it was- it still was hurting me.

I run home with tears devouring my face.

-Ruel's POV-

I'm so stupid- I kept saying to myself. She fucking likes me- I kissed her and yes it would be fantastic for a guy if he were normal but for me now I will most likely hurt her either by never going after her or going after her but leaving her.

My promise- well it was half accomplished because I cared so much for Madi Carson and if I didn't I wouldn't be about to cry right now.

I sit on my bed and teardrops fall to my lap. I couldn't finish the rest of the promise. I didn't want to do those things and then leave. I guess I never thought about it properly before. I can't just want to find my soul mate, kiss her and lose virginity and then suddenly leave- why did I think this plan was going to work without hurting someone.

I'm so stupid.

"Hey Ruel dinner- oh no what happened?" Coco ask and sits on my bed with me.

"I told her I liked her and we kissed." I say still with tear drops falling.

"Ruel it doesn't have to be like this- take the chemo and maybe you'll live. You can date her without worrying about leaving her-" coco tries to convince me.

"She probably hates me right now. I can't do it coco I've already hurt her. I'm going to hurt her no matter what! I should just move schools and die without any other people caring about me." I say

"Ruel stop being so selfish. You say you will die constantly without realising how it effects me- it's like it's killing us all." Coco spits out.

"I'm sorry coco- I just- I just need some time to think about the chemotherapy." I hug her.

"Time is not something you have but I understand." She smiles and walks out the room.

She right time was actually my enemy. I needed to decide and honestly my mind was already set on not taking it. If I don't I'm leaving without fighting and is that the person I really want to be?

Sometimes I just wish I could have the guts to tell people. I say it because I don't want people to mourn me and yes that's true but it's also got to do with being ashamed by fucking cancer. People either pity you or bully you for it. I wanted neither I wanted to be normal.

-the next day-

I walk out to the school fields and sit down with all the boys.

I slip on my shoes before I see someone approach me. I look up-

"Hey Ruel- I'm Haley. We haven't spoke much but let's change that." She smiles.

I've never said much to Haley besides saying sorry if I bumped into her I'm the hallway or something but I knew Madi hated her.

"Uh hi- why?" I question why she wants to do this.

"Because I think you are hot- and that's a big compliment." She bats her eyelashes.

"Um uh thankyou I guess." I continue getting ready.

"You are invited to my party tonight- see you there." She walks away with her friends.

That was weird. Don't think I'll be going- I barely know her plus Madi doesn't like her.

I look up to see Madi running past me. I can see why she would angry with me plus maybe I need to back off.

-afterschool-

I walk out of class and I see Kayla waiting across the hallway. I walk over.

"Hey." I smile.

"Ruel I don't know what happened but she won't talk to us." Kayla says worryingly.

Fuck what have I done. I need to fix this- plus I don't want her to hate me. I can't seem to stay away from her or stay with her.

"I'll talk to her." I smile again.

"Thankyou- also Thankyou for looking after Grace. I think she liked you which is pretty impressive considering she hates most people." She giggles.

"I guess cancer makes you hate things and people-um I know because I read a blog." I blurt.

"Hm it makes sense- you read blogs- since when and why about cancer?" She raises an eyebrow.

"I do- it just came up so I read it. That's the only reason why!" I blurt panicking.

"Okay weirdo- anyways did you want to come with me tonight to see Grace?" She asks.

Shit I can't do that. Grace already knows about me and I can't risk being seen by a doctor or nurse.

"Sorry I'm busy tonight-"

"With?" She cuts me off.

"I- I'm going to Haley's party." I say the only thing I could think of.

What the fuck have I got myself into?

What will happen next?