ALL ACCESS

Chapter 14

The next few days found us traveling up the East coast and to Boston. I spent a good chunk of it sequestered in my hotel room until the cuts and bruises started to heal. Chris even went so far as to get us a private car because he didn't want anyone to see my face, but everyone knew. Nobody believed that I was sick and highly contagious. Even with my floppy hat, shades and scarves they knew. Cover-up only went so far. I avoided James like I truly did have the plague. I couldn't let him see me like this. I was mortified. Ashamed.

It didn't help that we were headed to my hometown. The memories, the people, my friends, Jules. If any of them saw me like this... Shame hit me harder than Chris' fists. I knew I should leave him, but I didn't. I really thought he'd change for me. That he loved me. Deep down, I believe he did, but the drugs and alcohol had a tighter hold. I couldn't compete.

When the plane touched down on Logan Airport's tarmac, my stomach lurched and heaved as did my memories, floating me back to my family. To that day at the cemetery, and also to Jules. I could never face her again. She'd called it that night at the club, saying Chris was a loser, and I'd fought her on it. I could never reach out to her now – not ever – Chris would never allow it anyway.

The marks and bruises were finally starting to fade. This time around Chris never truly apologized for hitting me. He said he did but he didn't. I think by his stating he was going to marry me, he thought all would be forgiven. But, it wasn't. Once we were stationed at the Four Seasons, he hadn't allowed me anywhere by myself; I was a prisoner with no means of escape. I went everywhere he did, even to the radio station, WCOZ, for the bands interview. Chris alluded to the DJ that a surprise announcement would take place in New York. The DJ wanted a hint. All I wanted was to throw up.

We had an extra day in Boston, and Chris wanted me to go look for a gown for the awards ceremony. I've never been a shopper, and now I had to look at, and choose a gown. I took it as a good sign to be given a furlough from Chris for the day. Lisa came and asked to take me with her around town. She needed a dress too. We were both amazed when Chris agreed. I couldn't wait to get out and chat with Lisa. It had been too long.

Lisa and I had been into numerous shops and we were both tired. I was done and just wanted to return to my prison. Most of the day was done and I still hadn't found a dress. Lisa found one in the first shop we went too but not me, not even after going into over a dozen shops on Newbury Street. Struck out at every one. My feet hurt with every step, but Lisa was determined that I'd find the perfect gown. There were two more shops, one big retail chain and a small shop called, Fashion Funk. Yeah, that was me.

We entered the small store and Lisa immediately asked for the bathroom. As she ran through the beaded red velvet curtain separating the store from the back I shook my head. Sick again. I suppose she was. It was the same sickness everyone in the band, except James, seemed to have: alcoholism and drug dependency. It was one I was sure to have if I didn't quit popping my, blot-it-all-out pills. I could have used one right now though. I couldn't imagine going back to the hotel without a dress. Chris had given Lisa his credit card to pay for my purchases. His only stipulation was the gown needed to be perfect. He also let her in on our secret, and said if we found a wedding gown we should buy that too.

My heart wasn't in this. I should have been happy but was miserable. It would be the biggest wedding façade ever, I thought sliding dress after dress across the silver pole. It made me sad to know my dad wouldn't be here to walk me down the aisle. Probably wouldn't even come in spirit, I thought glumly. Hadn't felt him in ages. Maybe he gave up on me.

"Oh my stars!" Lisa returned from the bathroom and now held up a sparkly looking gown. "This would look stunning on you. Jess, you have to try this on. Talk about va-va-va-voom. Chris will love this on you."