ALL ACCESS

Chapter 17

"Well, that's what I have so far, Daddy. I know it wasn't enjoyable to hear, but that's what happened. It's all typed up. Very cathartic." I smiled as I turned and looked at each of their graves. "Ten years. I miss you more with each passing day. I cleaned up my act and graduated from college, summa cum laude. You'd have been so proud. I know you were there in spirit. I smelled your roses, Mom, but I wish..." My voice cracked and I blinked a couple of times as I then looked across the cemetery, then I took a deep cleansing breath and let it out with a big whoosh.

"So, I have big, big news." I put my left hand out and wiggled my fingers. Sunlight kissed the clear stone, making it sparkle. "Yep, that's what you think it is. I'm engaged. Daddy, you'd like this one. He's a surgeon. Stable and smart. Everything a girl could want." I looked around the graveyard, a slight wind rustled the trees, and I wriggled my nose as my hair blew across it. "I wish you were all here."

I took in a deep breath again as I stared at Daddy's name. I was the last of the Morgan's. Come this time next year I'd be Jessica Mason. Richard wanted me to take his last name. Adamant almost. Richard came from a big family; six brothers and two sisters. His parents were alive, as well as both sets of grandparents. I loved the enormity of his family and being a part of it, but sometimes I needed silence. Richard didn't seem to understand this need I had.

It wasn't the noise level or the bantering between the siblings that made me crave silence, it was feeling the love of a family that made me morose. Sometimes it was too much and I needed to get away. Richard was a good man. Better than the rest of the losers I'd been with.

"I know. I know. He's a good guy. A great catch." The unspoken "but" hung in the air, and if my mom was alive she'd say the word slow and make me tell my true feelings. "I know Richard's a good person and will treat me well. I'll have a great life being the wife of a doctor, but..."

I closed my eyes and remembered - the touch of his hand on my skin, the way he gently caressed my skin with his calloused fingertips - I longed to have "James butterflies". I wanted to feel the way James made me feel all those years ago. No one ever came close. All the losers I'd been with were just sex and company. I was tired of that and wanted to be settled. I wanted to start my own family.

"I dunno, Mom. I feel like I should keep looking. I'm confused and I don't want to make any more mistakes." Leaning back against the stone, I sighed heavily. "Nobody gets me. No one understands the "butterflies". I know you would've, Mom. You told me you loved Daddy because every time you looked at him butterflies flew in your tummy and goose bumps kissed your skin. I want that." I stopped and looked off into the distance, picturing him in my mind. "I want James, but I can't have him. Last thing I read about him he married some little southern blonde belle. He forgot all about the likes of me. It hurts, but I need to move on. I'm thinking we only get goose bumps and butterflies once, huh?"

I stood and placed a hand on top of the stone. It was cold to the touch. Sort of like me most days. I'd been broken and damaged for so long it was hard to trust anyone. Richard made me smile though, sometimes even laugh. And, that was a good thing.

"I'll come back in a few weeks and let you know how the wedding plans are going." I started to walk away, but stopped and turned back. "Unless you or Daddy can find a way to send James to me. And if you can..." I looked up at the blue sky, blinked fast to keep the tears at bay, then back at their stone. "Please do it soon. I have less than eight months. I love you and thanks for watching over me."

I wasn't sure why I put in a request, it was an afterthought, but if anyone could make it happen – my angels could. I smiled at the thought of seeing James again, but knew the likelihood of it happening were slim to none.

~ ~ ~

Three weeks later Richard's parents flew in from Florida and, in complete contrast to their children, they were the most horrid people to walk the earth. Not one nice thing came out of their mouths. His mother, Ruth, was a negative Nancy who had no problem voicing her criticisms out loud. Father, Tom, was a pig! He made lewd comments about my breasts and touched my ass numerous times during our dinner. It was hard to believe these were Richard's parents. He was nothing like them, unless he planned on showing me his douchebag side after we were married. I told my friend, Robyn, this on our way to a concert at the Boston Garden.