What the fuck is wrong with me?

Thirteen

*mentions of self harm*

JJ's Pov

Just a week ago I was sitting in the car with Harry wondering what was up, now I'm almost more confused. We all know he's been hurting himself but he won't say why and it's so frustrating. I just want to help and he won't let me in, I'm super surprised he even agreed to go out with me after the amount of no's I'd received from previous attempts over the past couple days.

"What do we need at the house?" I asked Harry, generally it was Simon or Tobi who did the food shopping so I didn't really have much of a clue.
"Probably cereal, some fruit and then whatever were all gonna have for dinner tonight"
Good to hear that Harry knew what he was doing. "I say pasta!"
"Pasta it is then," he smiled "just steer clear of the wax strips!" He giggled.
Ethan told me about this, using humour as a coping mechanism he said he'd read all about it on some article. He told me that in some cases it was good because it meant at least it got them talking but on the other hand you've got to be careful as joking about serious issues could be very harmful.
"Harry..about that." I sighed, in hopes of him giving me something, god anything I just want to be here for him. "Jide I'm okay, really I am."
"Harry I can't just take your word for it," I turned to the side looking him up and down "Show me your arms please?"
He didn't roll up his sleeves, instead he begun crying, sobbing into his hands "JJ I'm sorry I'm ...so...so sorry!" He wept between tears.
"Shhh shh shh it's okay bog, I'm here for you okay?"
Harry nodded in response but didn't stop.
"Tell me everything Harry, tell me why are you so upset?" I whispered as I pulled the car to a stop on the side of the road. We hadn't quite made it to the shops yet.

After a few minutes of Harry steadying his breathing he looked at me and for the first time I knew he was about to tell me something real. "I can't stop! I don't know why I don't know how but I just can't." I didn't want to interrupt him but at the same time I had my questions. The obvious thing to ask was why? but like he said, he didn't know. "How long?"
"Only recently, past couple months..at first it was just once and I told myself never again but as time went on and everything just got so so so much harder and more painful I couldn't help myself. Every single day now I can't wait for it. Cut after cut after cut to remind me I don't deserve to be happy."
I was shocked, completely. "That is ridiculous Harry why shouldn't you deserve to be happy?"

Harry's Pov

It was all too much my emotions were bubbling and I was starting to spill everything. I'd decided that it was way too late now to take my words back so I took a deep breath and continued. "I'm such hard work I only seem to annoy people or get on their nerves. I'm sick and tired of it I'm TIRED!" I punched the dashboard in front of me, hard and my knuckles bled as I sobbed. Not because my knuckles were throbbing but because I was so done with being me, I hated everything about me. JJ pulled me into a hug while tears spilled down my face. I press my face into him, his shirt probably getting drenched in my tears. He held me in complete silence; only the sound of my sobbing and occasional sniffing could be heard, rocking me slowly. God I am honestly so fucking pathetic WHY CANT I STOP CRYING?

"JJ?"
"Yes?"
"I want to go home now."
"Okay bog that's okay, thank you for speaking to me. You know you can anytime even if it's 3 o'clock in the morning."
"I'm sorry for drenching your shirt."
"Don't be silly I don't care about that I care about you!"

I forced a smile with my eyes still bloodshot red. He must've bought it cause he smiled back "we need to get your hand cleaned up first thing once we're home!"