Wearing My Smile | ✔

Friday, August 8th, 2003

Luce faltered in her steps inside the house. With a surprise in her voice, she asked, “Roo? What are you doing still up? Don't you have school tomorrow?”

Twenty-one at the time, Luce had been busy being an intern in a big architecture firm at the town center. It required her to drive for an hour and half each early in the morning and home late at night, which was stupid, right? I'd told her before. Because why wouldn't she just rent a flat near her workplace? We had a small fight over it since I knew the reason she stayed was me and I hated the fact that I was being some sort of hindrance to her future career. I would never want to be that. Not for her, especially, nor you.

Do you know what she had said to me then, Sam? She said, "Why would you ever be a hindrance? I'm here because I fucking want to see my little brother grow, you insufferable dumbass!"

And yet, she asked later where I'd learned all the curse words.

I can almost imagine you cackling like the first time I'd told you this story. You'd probably wipe your tears then say something like, “God, your sister, man. The best sister ever.” Then, later, after we finished playing games, you'd murmur, “I wish I had a sister like yours.”

I'd tell you, “You do, though. Isn't she practically your sister, too? The way she gushes over you every time you come over makes me wonder which of us is her brother.” And maybe, maybe, you'd smile because once upon a time you believed in my words.

But a few days after you're gone without any words, after I watched your dark house, considering if I should just come right up to your steps and ask your parents if you were okay, I couldn't sleep. I saw the window of your room on the second floor and it was always dark.

“You also have work early in the morning,” I pointed out to Luce which made her sigh.

“Yeah. Ugh. My back is killing me.” She yawned, opening the fridge for a carton of milk to drink straight from. She had this weird opinion, why would I use glasses to drink milk when I could drink it straight and not having to clean up the glass? Do you remember that one, Sam? You had agreed so wholeheartedly because you hated washing dishes. “Answer the question. What's wrong? Is it Sam?”

“He's gone.”

She stopped mid-gulp. “What do you mean he's gone?”

“He's not coming to school since two days ago.”

Luce shrugged nonchalantly. Her long brown hair fell down from its initial bun. It used to baffle you that she liked to wear her hair long because she was such a tomboy. "He probably overslept then thought, whatever, I'll just take some day off, like he did last time."

“Yeah?” I couldn't quite mask the concern in my voice. “But last time he still told me he wasn't coming to school. And he still came here in the evening.”

Luce rolled her eyes. “Roo, you're not his mother. Maybe he wants to have life outside of you, you know? Maybe he's got a girlfriend now and wants to spend time with her without you crashing the party.” She gulped down the milk and scrunched up her nose. “Or a boyfriend maybe—”

“I thought at first it was because he'd kissed me a couple of days ago. Maybe he'd felt guilty or embarrassed or scared or I don't know—”

Luce choked on her drink, coughing and wheezing. “He did—what?”

“—maybe it's something I did, I—wait, what? What do you mean 'boyfriend'? How do you know about that?" I felt my eyes widen in shock. “Did he come out to you?”

“Rumon!” she yelled. “Shut up for a second.”

I did.

Putting away her carton of milk, crossing her arms, taking a deep breath, she finally asked, “Sam kissed you?”

I nodded reluctantly.

Luce closed her eyes as though thinking, God have mercy. “I should've seen this coming.”

I frowned, shifting on the couch, suddenly uncomfortable. “I didn't.”

“Well, you can be dense at times.”

I muttered under my breath.

“I didn't think Sam would get the balls to do it though. What had happened before that?”

I swear to God, Sam, that was one of the most awkward moments in my life. I'd do anything not to have it happened to me ever again. I cleared my throat and replied, “I kissed Penny.”

Now she looked like she was trying so hard not to laugh. “Come again?”

“She wanted to try it out....”

Luce fell over cackling.

“Not funny, Luce.”

“It is, though. Let me guess, Penny wanted to try it out with you because you're nice and you're one of her closest friends, so you did, but then Sam saw and he thought it was something more because you'd been spending a lot of time with her.”

I sighed in defeat. “Yeah.”

“Oh, my stupid and kind baby brother.”

I glared at her. “I get your point, so stop.”

She held up her hands. “So what's there to worry about? Just hunt him down and tell him you like him back.”

Now I was the one who sputtered. “Like—? Lucy—I—what? I'm not—I'm—how did you—”

She raised her eyebrow. “Well, did you like what he did?”

I didn't think to lie about it, but I was still worried. “I did, but....”

With more gentle tone, she said, “Roo, we're okay with that.”

“Who?”

“Who else? Me and Dad. We've known for years.” Before I could protest, she continued, “I mean, how could we not? Anyone who's seen you both together would know. He sees you like he worships the ground you walk on and you see him like he's the best thing since sliced bread.”

My mind churned. It was too much information at once. “But then, I'm—I like boys. You're okay with that?”

I saw it then, the way her expression softened. The small smile she wore, the serenity I felt. She said, “It doesn't matter who you love, Rumon. Nothing's going to change you from being my kind little brother.”

I exhaled the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding, laughing quietly, feeling giddy. My heart was pounding hard inside my chest and there were sweat all over my back. Only then I realized that I'd been out of my mind scared. I didn't think it through when we'd first started talking about this, what it meant for me, or if they'd accept me for who I was.

Maybe this was the main difference between us, Sam, that I had the privilege to think that my family might be okay with my newfound sexuality, unlike yours. I thought about your parents and winced. I didn't think the conversation would happen anytime soon.

I didn't know it yet, but I was right. You were almost at the brink when they found out, ready to leap into that void alone. I wonder, not for the first time, if it's one of the reasons why you put that gun in your mouth. Maybe the last months you were alive, you saw me in the eyes and was reminded only of the things you have lost.

“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked Luce.

She thought about it then said, “Wait until tomorrow, then we'll go.” To your place, she didn't say. The last time we'd been there was something we didn't want to relive. I knew my sister was still as angry as I was, maybe a little to me as well, because I was the one who had insisted on them not calling the social services.

But I didn't say any of those. I said, “Okay.”