Wearing My Smile | ✔

Friday, April 13th, 2007

Seven days after your funeral.

Friday, the boy finally came up to me during lunch. He was jumpy, with sunken eyes, messy brown hair, and pale skin, and a flash of guilt came upon his face before it was gone as fast as it appeared. It was then that I knew. I knew why he was there, standing before me, his hands curled in fists.

“It was you, wasn't it?” I asked him after a few minutes of silence. Penny sent me a curious glance I ignored.

He looked up then, staring at me in the eyes, suddenly still.

“It was your place he came to every time he disappeared.”

I heard Penny's gasp, but my eyes didn't move from his. His face crumpled, Sam. He blinked so many times like he was trying to hold back his tears. Maybe he was. Grief wrecked his expression and I couldn't recall another person wore it that way other than my family and me.

A tear tracked down his cheek and he wiped it almost furiously, saying, “Yeah. Yeah. And I'm not sorry about that, okay? He came to me only on the days he couldn't stand himself and he knew I wouldn't turn him away. I was weak of him. I liked having him around. He knew.”

His words didn't register right away in my mind because they were a mess of choppy sentences, but when they did, I felt sick. I wanted to throw up right there on the school yard, purging myself from everything I had ever eaten just so the bad feeling would leave, but I couldn't because he wasn't finished yet.

“I swear to you, Roo, I swear we never did anything. It's just.” He coughed. “He'd known my feelings since he started hanging out with the other guys. Maybe I'd been staring at him for too long. Who the fuck knows?” He laughed but the sound broke in the middle. “He usually came with bottles and he would drink himself until he passed out. Sometimes he would ramble and yell. He never said why he came, but I knew, I just—I know, okay? That last time he was odd. I thought he had been crying, maybe he had a fight with you. I don't know. I just gave him a place to stay because I couldn't bear the thought he'd be wandering the street alone if I didn't.”

“Why didn't you come to the police to give statement?” Penny's voice was scratchy, like it hurt for her to talk.

He laughed hoarsely. “Are you joking? My house—let's just say it's full of illegal shit. I—I can't—”

“What's your name?”

He blinked repeatedly at my question. “What?”

“Your name.”

He hesitated, but replied, “Jay.”

“Why aren't you hanging out with the other guys anymore, Jay?”

He winced. “They found out about Sam crashing at my place. I didn't want to lie, so I told them, yeah. They didn't want to have anything to do with me at least until things settle down.” His laugh was hoarse and unhinged. “I'm tired of their bullshit though.”

“Oh, okay.” I could feel Penny's stare boring into me but I smiled at Jay and asked, “Why don't you just hang out with us from now on? I mean, if you don't have places to go.”

Jay was staring at me with a frown on his face, and perhaps if I didn't read it wrong, a bit of disbelief. “You'd let me hang out with you?”

I shrugged. “I mean, why not? It's not good to be alone all the time.”

When I glanced back at Penny, she was already smiling at me with a serene look on her face. I smiled at her back, it was shaky at best, but it was a start, wasn't it?

The rustling sound of Jay dropping down in front of me brought me back to him. His eyes were filled with unshed tears. He asked quietly, “You're not angry?”

“What for?”

“Because I'd never told you where he'd been. I mean, he'd asked me not to, but I could have just let you know.”

“Oh. Well, it's alright. I know how he was. Sometimes he needed to get away. He wouldn’t have let you.” I should have been proud of how steady my voice was. It was like your death didn't affect me the slightest.

With his head in his hand, he chuckled soundlessly. I couldn't see his face, but it seemed so heartbreaking I had to keep my hands to myself. It reminded me of you, how you had been those last few months. He said, “I hate that you're so good, Roo. I hate that I get why he's so awed by you. I mean, look at me. I thought I could fix him, make him happy, but how could I ever compare?”

My words caught in my throat. “Jay, there's nothing to compare.”

He raised his head, looking at me as if he was trying to find something. He must have found it because then he nodded and sat down, listening while Penny and I talked about little things. Our conversations were stilted and tense at times, but we talked. He didn't contribute much, but he was attentive. I could tell he was used to observing people because I was that way too for a long time. He smiled a little when I asked him questions and chuckled at the right places. The longer he stayed, the more he relaxed.

He didn't know, Sam, but in that moment I understood why out of all people, you chose him.

He fit.