Wearing My Smile | ✔

Saturday, October 29th, 2005

I was already awake inside the kitchen at 4 am, preparing breakfast even though it was usually Luce's turn. I hadn't said anything when I'd crept out of my bed earlier, woken and wrecked by heat and the taste of ash in my mouth from fire which wasn't there. You followed me not more than a few seconds later, blinking drowsily as you looked for me.

"Go back to bed," I told you without looking back. You didn't say anything, but I heard the familiar creak of the kitchen table and I knew you'd be sitting there. I didn't know why you'd do that. Maybe you were frightened I would be gone in the middle of the night, leaving nothing behind, like I wasn't real at all.

When Luce came out from her room later, already clean with her work clothes, she faltered only a second on her step before pulling you into her arms, telling you that you were such an idiot and you should have at least left a note. From the corner of my eyes, I saw your nod, but you weren't looking at her, you were looking at me.

After breakfast, before Luce got into her car, I followed her out. I knew you were still in the bathroom. She gave me a look and said, "I know what you're doing, Rumon."

It didn't faze me in the least. "And what am I doing?"

"You're doing the same exact thing you did when Dad had come for the first time."

"Ah. That makes sense."

She scoffed. "Stop doing that, okay? It doesn't fix anything. Talk to him or something. He comes back because he needs us, Roo, he needs you."

I felt the churning of my anger. "But what about what I need?"

There was sadness in her eyes. Gently, she cupped my face. We were the same height then and I felt the oddness of knowing that I grew while she stayed the same. She said to me, "I know, but that's why I said you need to talk to him. Being quiet doesn't fix anything. Tell him what you need."

I gritted my teeth. I missed you, God knew I did, but it hurt to look at you at all. Perhaps on those days you'd been gone, my mind had forced itself to set aside my emotions so I could survive living day by day. Then you came back and it didn't know what to do with it. "I'll think about it."

"Think fast." After a tap on my cheek and a small smile, Luce drove away, making me think that people would make effort to stay if they loved you enough.

I walked back into the house.